


A Traitor's Bargain

by Kyriemryn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Betrayal, Blood and Gore, Character Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Mainly focused on Reikasa, Other relationships and characters will be present but might not appear for awhile, PTSD, ReiKasa, ReinerxMikasa - Freeform, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, There are OC's but they don't matter, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:09:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyriemryn/pseuds/Kyriemryn
Summary: Erwin arrives at the 104th Southern Division with hopes of convincing the top two cadets to join the Survey Corps a few months in advance. It doesn't take long for everything to start falling apart.(On a brief hiatus)!
Relationships: Levi/Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman & Reiner Braun, Mikasa Ackerman/Reiner Braun, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 85
Kudos: 162





	1. Feel Like Dying?

“Get me Braun and Ackerman,” Keith Shadis stared down his attendant, a small boy that was selected out of the 105th. He wasn’t special, far too twitchy, but perfect to go fetch things for the instructor - extremely fast, likely thanks to the overwhelming fear of getting on Shadis’s bad side. 

He hopped to and escaped the office. Saluting the instructor, as well as the other man in the room, Commander Erwin. 

“Good kid,” Erwin said absentmindedly, crossing one of his legs over the other. 

“A pain in the ass,” Shadis replied quickly, pouring a glass of brandy for himself and the Commander, “Now. Remind me again why you need those two?” 

Erwin twitched, waiting for a moment before letting out a slow breath, “They’ve already expressed interest in joining the Corps, correct?” 

Raising an eyebrow, Shadis took a drink, “Ackerman will follow Yeager, and there’s no doubt Yeager will be joining you suicidal fuckers.” He scratched at his face, “Braun’s the brother of the group. Bastard’ll join the Corps just to protect the others.” He frowned, “Do I even wanna ask why?” 

“We need two more.” 

“Two more? Two more what, Erwin? Bags of flesh to dispose of? They’re kids,” Shadis leaned back in his chair, taking a larger swig, “Fuck. I know what you guys go through, better than anyone, but I’m an instructor now. I can’t-“ 

“They’ll be graduating in a few months, right?”

“Yessir.” 

“Then I don’t see the issue. They can always say no.” 

Shadis sighed, conflicted. The commander was right, if they wanted to join the Survey Corps, then this would only serve as extra experience in the field. However, he also knew how Erwin operated. Sacrifices must be made for the good of humanity. 

It wasn’t as though he could refuse Braun or Ackerman if they agreed, so he stayed quiet, watching Erwin’s face. The man was composed, impressively so. A much better fit for commander than he ever was. But he knew, he knew that nobody that took such a position could keep the dead from haunting them. 

It wasn’t long before the boy returned with Ackerman and Braun. The two immediately saluted when they saw Shadis standing there, and Braun’s eyes widened slightly when seeing the other man in the room - Mikasa was less impressed, perhaps it was simply because she didn’t care. 

“At ease,” Erwin gave each a small smile and motioned to the two other chairs at the table. Braun and Ackerman let their arms drop as they walked over to the instructor and commander. Braun made movements to suggest he was about to pull out the chair for Ackerman, but after a glare, he chuckled nervously and backed away. 

When they were situated, they divided their attention between the two men - looking at Erwin expectantly and looking at Shadis for reassurance. He didn’t give them anything but a frown - they didn’t really expect more to begin with. 

Erwin began, “I believe congratulations are in order. Reiner Braun, second in class, Mikasa Ackerman, first in class. You’ve done well.”

“We’re just doing our duty sir,” Reiner dipped his head, never willing to take a compliment. 

Mikasa, on the other hand, stayed silent. 

“I’m Commander Erwin of the Survey Corps, and I’m here to offer you a position among our ranks.” He set the previously poured brandy glass to the side, untouched, “Early graduation.”

“Early graduation?” Reiner leaned forward, “But what does-?” 

“Before you ask any questions, I need you to know that this is voluntary. You don’t have to say yes on account of me,” Shadis watched as Erwin met the boy’s eyes, “The Survey Corps plans to go on an expedition in a month, but we’re short. We need qualified soldiers like you, and when I heard that the top in the 104th were interested in helping us save humanity…” Erwin paused, as if to create a dramatic effect. “It’s dangerous, and I don’t expect even half of us to come out alive, but we’re doing all we can to reclaim Wall Maria. If you two can help us with our mission, you’ll be heroes.” 

Reiner perked up at his words, noticeably so. Mikasa didn’t, but she was watching Erwin carefully, and Shadis supposed that counted for something. 

“Why us?” Mikasa suddenly spoke up, her voice quiet, but firm, “Can’t you find expendables other places?” 

“I believe you can help us-“ Erwin paused and grabbed a roll of paper behind him. He spread it out on the table and pointed to Shiganshina, “This is your district, right?” 

Mikasa slowly nodded. 

“And you, Reiner, your hometown is…” he moved his finger upwards and to the right, “Just Southeast of Trost?” 

Reiner gave a quicker nod than Mikasa, looking at the map carefully. “Yeah, it’s sheltered up in the mountains.” 

“We’re trying to set up a series of supply lines,” He pointed at Trost, trailed to the right, and then went down, “If we can keep a few areas clear, such as your secluded town, then we can figure out the situation at Wall Maria and fix it from there.” 

Shadis watched Reiner and Mikasa take it in. The blond seemed nervous, shifting from foot to foot, while the girl continued staring at Shiganshina, lost in her memories. 

“But, haven’t you been trying to do this for years?” Reiner spoke up, almost hesitantly. 

“Yes,” Erwin’s tone was firm, “And it failed every single time, which is why your cooperation is essential.” He leaned back, staring at the two of them, “We also want you along because of your expertise. We’re sorely missing that, and if instructor Shadis is right about you-“ 

He let it hang in the air. 

“You need some more titan killers, yeah?” Reiner stood up, “We-“ Mikasa glared. “I’d be happy to join your ranks.” 

Erwin smiled and shook Reiner’s hand, giving him a nod of appreciation. Then, he turned toward the girl, “Mikasa, you have a day to come to a decision. Instructor Shadis will be here when you do.” 

The Commander walked out as the two saluted them, and Shadis could only sigh, drinking the glass that Erwin had left behind. Seeing that the two were still there, he waved a hand, “Dismissed, dumb fucks. Run a few miles to make up for the time you wasted.” 

The two nodded, not without frowns, and headed out the door. 

Once they left, leaving Shadis to himself, he set the brandy down and looked out the window. He was sure Erwin’s map was bullshit. All the Commander needed was more men to fill up the ranks of the Survey Corps, and if he could single out the more talented ones, convince them, well- 

“Fuckers better make it out alive.”


	2. Separation Anxiety

“What do you think you’ll do?” Reiner spoke up halfway through the run, even though he knew Mikasa wasn’t in the mood to talk. 

She shot him a look and didn’t say anything more, to which Reiner only shrugged and continued, “If you want to stay that’s fine. I doubt anyone would fault you- Well, maybe _I_ would. I’ll be all lonely there, won’t know anybody, just me and-” 

“Shut up.” 

“Alright, alright,” He held out his hands as if they were going to calm her down, “I’m just saying, solitary solitude doesn’t sound like any fun at all. Me, myself, and I-“ 

“Reiner. I’ll kill you.” 

He stopped. 

The sun was falling, sending yellow and red hues dancing across the sky. Long shadows of distant trees intermittently fell across the path, supplying Reiner and Mikasa with brief relief from the heat of the day. Not that Mikasa noticed. As she placed one foot in front of the other, she only focused on the decision to come, ignoring her running partner and his- Was he still talking? 

“-And there was this caterpillar, and I-”

“What?”

“What?”

Both paused in the middle of the run, and it didn’t take very long for Reiner to start grinning from ear-to-ear, “See, I knew you weren’t listening. It would make a lot more sense if you had been paying attention from the start.” 

She sighed in exasperation and was about to turn on her heel and sprint the rest of the way back to the barracks - it was just in the distance anyway, a few more yards and she’d be free - but Reiner made her stop. Again. 

“Wait! Wait. I just wanted to say that…” He paused, considering, “Make sure it’s your decision, right? Nobody else’s but yours.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mikasa bit her tongue, keeping from saying any more words. She figured what he meant. No, she _knew_ what he meant. But she wanted to hear him say it. She wanted to hear him say that she was nothing outside of her relationship with Armin and Eren. That’s what everyone saw, wasn’t it? She was a part of a trio and she’d never be able to do anything on her own without making sure that Eren was okay with it. And she wished she could say it wasn’t true, but-

Reiner grinned and started running back, “Nothing! Just gotta look out for everyone in the 104th, yeah?” 

The fact that he didn’t give it to her straight bothered her, but she let it be, lest she risk more of a conversation with the brawny boy. After all, what would he say that she didn’t already know? That her mind was always on Eren and nothing in life mattered more than that? Even a mission to Wall Maria, which could fix the whole damn world? Not that the mission had a chance in the first place. Still, for once she was being offered something separate from Eren, and once again, she was feeling like she’d have to turn it down to be near to… her family? Her lover? She didn’t know. 

Mikasa stayed behind Reiner for the last stretch, watching him immediately head toward the mess hall. She, on the other hand, walked over to the barracks and quietly stepped in. 

The living area was quiet and dark; all of the 104th must have already left for dinner. She grabbed a matchbox from the table next to the door, and she lit it with a quick flick of her wrist. Reaching up for the lamp, Mikasa placed the match next to the wick and watched as it began to consume the braided cotton. 

_One day._

She raised the lamp and walked around the now-illuminated room, lighting up the rest of them. It was bright now, it felt warm, and she settled back into one of the corners, pressing the red scarf close to her face. 

_Eren’s scarf._

How could she just… could she leave him? It wouldn’t be long, just a few months, and she knew she’d survive it. She wasn’t top of the class for nothing. But if she left for the Survey Corps early, would Eren forgive her? It wasn’t as much a problem of her leaving him alone as it was him being upset at her for passing him up. _He_ was the one that wanted to kill all titans. _He_ was the one that wanted to join the Survey Corps. _He_ was the one that had suggested the military in the first place. It was all him, and she was now surpassing him in every way. 

Even without considering his position, she wasn’t sure she wanted to graduate early in the first place. Loath as she was to admit it, she was dependent on him. All of her decisions, all of her actions, all of her _thoughts_. And yet, she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t fight it off. 

Her eyes wavered - she didn’t know what the hell she was doing, and it was driving her up the wall. 

Thankfully, or not so thankfully, her ruminations were interrupted by boots approaching the door. She quickly got to her feet and scrambled her way into the girl’s side of the building, standing next to her bed as though she was in the middle of considering whether she wanted to sleep early or not. 

Sasha entered first, and Mikasa regarded the redhead with a blank stare. Sasha, in turn, grimaced, and poked through her jacket. “I thought I might give you half of this since…” She tossed Mikasa a piece of bread that was decidedly less than half of the loaf, “Well, you weren’t exactly there to eat.” 

Mikasa looked down at the food and took a cautious bite, to which Sasha could only snort, “It’s not like I poisoned it or anything. I’d only do that if I thought you were the one who raided my stash.”

The raven-haired girl looked at Sasha with a start. 

“Joke.”

Mikasa swallowed and nodded. “Thanks.”

Sasha’s eyes widened. “Oh wow, I’ve gotta tell Connie about this. Wait right here!” Sasha quickly took off before Mikasa could put a word in edgewise. 

She was certain that Sasha would return, so she left the building through the rear exit, quietly shutting the door behind her. As quietly as possible, at least, although she knew it wouldn’t change anything. Sasha was a brilliant tracker, and she was certain that it wouldn’t take long for the girl to find her. 

Mikasa tore off a few more pieces of bread and stuffed them into her mouth - a habit she had picked up after the fall of Wall Maria, when food was constantly scarce. And as she chewed she listened to the distant calls of birds and the loud murmurings of her fellow compatriots in the mess hall. It would have all been completely indecipherable had it not been for two voices that were much closer than the others. 

“It’ll be fine, okay? I know what I’m doing.” That was Reiner, his voice was always distinct. 

“I’m not going to be there! How do you know it’ll be okay? If I can’t-” Bertholdt. Worried as ever, but this time it was more incessant, and Mikasa felt like she should be braving Sasha instead of listening in to their private conversation. 

Reiner was firm, “I’ll. Be. Fine.”

“Look, I know it’ll help, but-” They were getting closer, presumably about to enter through the back door, the one that she was currently leaning against. 

_Shit, shit, shit._ Mikasa ate the last of the bread and ran around the other side of the building, walking in by way of the front door, as if she had never been there. As if she hadn’t just eavesdropped. It wasn’t really her fault, was it? She hadn’t meant to. And yet, she continued to think back to it as she headed toward the living area, spotting Reiner and Bertholdt - who had just entered - and Armin and Eren - who must have entered while she was outside. Annie was just coming in from the outside, her face thin. 

It was time to talk, wasn’t it? She pushed aside her thoughts - how would Eren react? Would it be pleading like Bertholdt? Would she be able to ignore his feelings like Reiner? 

“Eren. Armin. Come here.” She talked as she always did. Brief and to-the-point. But Armin and Eren understood. They had gotten used to her and her way of communication.

Eren looked up from his game of chess. Armin was beating him - hard - and he didn’t look too happy about the interruption. Reiner had moved in to watch the game, as had Bertholdt - the conversation must have ended - but neither reacted to Mikasa’s words. Reiner must have told Bert about the entire situation, including Mikasa’s deliberation over the subject. 

“Yeah, sure!” Armin was the first to speak, smile wide, eyes bright. Mikasa could always rely on him for that. 

Eren looked at Armin, and then followed suit, leaving the game behind. They began to walk outside, the only place of privacy they were going to get in the Training Corps. 

“We’re commandeering the board,” Reiner shouted after them, to which Eren viciously turned around and pointed, “Don’t you _dare_ touch it.” But by then it was too late, and Reiner couldn’t help but give the wannabe-titan-killer a huge grin. 

“I’ll get you when I get back!” Eren was only being semi-serious, and he was grinning when he shut the door behind the trio, looking to Mikasa. “Alright. Big news from the top? Let’s hear it.”

Mikasa hesitated, shifting back and forth. How was she going to go about this? Direct. That was the only way she knew how. But wasn’t there some way to soften it? Even then, she wasn’t sure she was going in the first place. She still had to discuss it. “I’ve been given a choice. Graduate early and join the Survey Corps, or stay here and graduate with you. They have an expedition coming up, they need more help, and since we’re already planning on joining them anyway, maybe…” 

They were staring at her. 

“It’s only a few months. Reiner and I were both offered a spot, he already accepted, I’m thinking about turning it down, but I wanted to-”

“You should go.” 

“Right, I should- What? Eren?” Mikasa wasn’t expecting that. That was probably the option she was _least_ prepared for. No way _Eren_ would reply without some sort of shouting match. No way would he reply without saying he should be the one getting into the Survey Corps early. No way would he not get mad about- 

Maybe that was it. Maybe he just wanted to be _separate_ from her. 

“But what about you two? I can’t just…” _leave you behind._

“You can just,” Eren frowned and placed a hand on her arm. He didn’t quite know how to offer her support, but this was a manageable option, and she seemed to relax under him. “The Survey Corps asked for you, right? They wanted Mikasa Ackerman? Then it’s your duty to go kill those damn titans.”

Mikasa still wasn’t registering his words, he had taken all of this far too easily. 

“I won’t deny it. I’m jealous,” Eren grinned, one of those halfway real halfway not ones. “But it’s obvious what your decision should be, isn’t it? What would you do otherwise? Stay here?” 

Armin watched the exchange, biting his lip. He knew the attitudes and behaviors of both of them, he understood them. Eren wasn’t saying all that he thought, and Mikasa wasn’t sharing all that she wanted to. They were two liars pretending that all was okay. 

“Do it, Mikasa.” Eren went back toward the door, the conversation done in his eyes.

Before he went in, Mikasa stepped forward, her words catching in her throat, “Is this because you want me to be away from you, Eren? Is that what this is?”

He turned around and stared, his figure illuminated by the light coming from inside the barracks, face hidden in the darkness of the night outside. “I don’t know.” 

With that, Eren walked inside and began yelling, “Reiner, you bastard! You get that type of news and you aren’t gonna tell anyone?”

His voice faded into the backdrop, but both Mikasa and Armin heard the exchange of exclamations from inside - others were clearly getting in on it. It wouldn’t be too long until she was hounded as well. Not that she cared. Her mind was still focused on Eren’s words. _I don’t know._

She didn’t know either, and that’s what hurt. 

“Hey,” Mikasa turned to Armin’s smiling face, “Whatever you decide, we’ll be with you one-hundred percent. If you do go, though, you better not die. You hear me?”

Mikasa silently nodded, a small grin gracing her face in turn. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.


	3. Being a Parent is Never Easy

“Come on, Mikasa. Let me have one win,” Reiner was on his back, sitting in the dust, catching his breath after the second take-down from the smaller Corps member.

It was the middle of the day, the sun in the middle of the sky, beating down on the two sparring partners as they practiced time and time again. Now that they were in the Survey Corps, small exercises like this were rarely needed - never needed - but they had a bit of freetime, and practicing close-quarter combat was good exercise, if nothing else.

Mikasa held out a hand and he grabbed it, pulling himself up. Once he got steady, he patted his pants, clearing them of as much dust as possible, and grinned as his partner frowned, “Man up, Reiner.”

“I’m manly enough as it is, you’re just abnormally strong.”

“Or you’re abnormally weak.”

Reiner chuckled, spotting Mikasa’s small smile, and then looked to the distant Survey Corps headquarters. “It’s about time we head back. What are we doing again? Studying the scouting formation?”

“I think so.” Mikasa blinked, following his line of sight.

“It’s been a few weeks, right? Only…” He thought back, “Three more days until the expedition? Why the hell do we have to go over it all again. It’s been shoved down our throats and up our asses - what - five hundred times?”

He wasn’t wrong; it had been lesson after lesson.

\--------

Ever since they arrived, Reiner and Mikasa had mainly stuck together. Not because they had any particular affection for one another - Reiner would beg to differ - but because it was familiar. And, as much as Mikasa didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t mind his company. He was no Armin and he definitely wasn’t an Eren, but he was comfortable. He was the 104th. Without that constant, she wasn’t so sure she’d stay there.

They had walked together when they toured the grounds. The sleeping area, the mess hall, the storage cellars - with a warning to never touch the alcohol without permission or they’d be kicked the fuck out - the classrooms, the kitchen, the stables, and the training grounds. It was all straightforward, similar to what they experienced in the Training Corps. However, they didn’t expect the vast range of personalities. Each person had some sort of quirk, and it took some getting used to.

First came introductions with the Levi Squad. Reiner immediately took to Petra, a kind woman who didn’t immediately spurn his joking advances. Gunther and Eld didn’t interact with the two, although Eld seemed to make more of an effort, even if those efforts always came with a few blunt comments that caused the two newcomers to wonder if they were somehow doing something wrong. Oluo was… the least approachable of the group, not because he didn’t want to interact, but because he was impossible to talk to. A levi-copy, as Petra had told the two.

Levi. When he met Reiner and Mikasa, he had given the girl a strange look, but quickly moved on to being downright terrifying, and Reiner immediately decided that the Levi Squad introductions were over and done with and it was time to move on, pulling Mikasa along with him.

Hange Zoe, Moblit Berner, and Mike Zacharias were all enigmas. Moblit less so, but because he was so attached to Hange, Reiner counted him in with the bunch.

They had bumped into them while they were touring the ‘school’ section of the building. After initial introductions, Hange moved into a long rant about titan experiments. Mikasa watched as Reiner continued to get more and more pale as the descriptions went on and on, so she quickly sent a pleading look in Moblit’s direction. The man hopped into the conversation and changed the subject, letting the other strange squad leader jump into the spotlight.

Mike had begun by sniffing the two. Reiner had been shoved from one uncomfortable situation to another, and he regarded the man with a raised eyebrow and questioning grimace. Mike only smiled and quirked his eyebrows upward, turning to Mikasa to do the same exact thing. She kept a straight face, although she wasn’t so sure she appreciated the strange habits of the man - what was that about anyway? Hange didn’t offer any explanation, desperately trying to pull away from Moblit so that she could take the two away and show them her titan toenail collection.

Reiner once again dragged Mikasa along when he spotted an opening - escape, finally, escape - and ran smack-dab into Erwin, who only gave the two a small smile. “So, you’ve met the Corps?”

The blond gave a minute nod, Mikasa following suit. Erwin replied by placing his hands on their shoulders, turning them around, and leading them back to one of the classrooms. “This is where you’ll spend the next few weeks before we leave for the expedition. Talk to your fellow classmates, I’m sure they’ll want to know _all_ about the Southern Division.”

They met two others that had been selected from the Eastern 104th Division and the Western 104th Division. Apparently the Northern Divison hadn’t created any standouts, which wasn’t much of a surprise.

From the East was a girl by the name of Sofia Lehmann, and from the West was a boy called Dieter Roth. Both were talented in their own rights, but the differences between them and the Southern Division were nearly palpable.

Sofia was third in her class, the top two had refused, preferring the idea of the Military Police - cushy in all of its grandiosity - and even though she had earned her place, her talents weren’t impressive. She could use the ODM gear impressively well, and she was fast, but she couldn’t cut anything for the life of her.

Dieter was second in his class. He was a surprising addition, and average on all fronts, but if he was up against a real titan, most doubted he’d be able to perform. A shy kid, similar to Bertholdt, but less skilled and a lot smaller.

At first, the four had assumed they were all on relatively equal standing, but as soon as the Survey Corps crash-course started, the differences became all too clear. Mikasa was a goddess to them, someone to admire and worship. And while Reiner was still below her in rank, he too was idolized, especially due to his kindness and care for them.

Mikasa couldn’t help but jab a little, a new ‘big-brother’ position, to which Reiner could only smile thinly. She wasn’t sure why he reacted that way, but she supposed he must’ve thought she was saying he was replacing their 104th.

Still, if he had been trying to keep his distance, it didn’t work. Within a week he had his own posse. The two followed him around everywhere, like little ducklings and their mother. They sat with him in the mess hall, they sat beside him while they studied the formation, they watched in awe as he used the ODM gear to swing from branch to branch. Mikasa was almost sure that Dieter was _taking notes._

It wasn’t until she spotted Sofia copying off of Dieter’s paper in the evening that she couldn’t help but laugh. It was a small chuckle, with the slightest sliver of a grin, but that didn’t help her case in the slightest. The two turned to stare at her, and twin blushes spread across their faces like wildfire. “Sorry Miss Ackerman!” That was in unison too. How’d they do that?

“What? No. I’m not upset,” She wasn’t sure where that was coming from. Those two were the same age as her, right? No, they could be younger, but only by a year or so.

“Oh, well, Reiner said if you- Mikasa laughs…” Dieter began and hesitated, chewing on the pencil eraser and looking over to Sofia for confirmation and support. “If she laughs then it means you better fucking run since she’s gone insane.”

_What._

Mikasa walked over to them, noticing the way they immediately moved to scoot backwards. “And you tell Reiner that the only one that should be terrified of me is _him_.” She smiled brightly, “You do that for me, yeah?”

The two nodded quickly and scooped up their papers and pencils, rushing out of the room. Mikasa was about to follow after, about to go find Reiner as well, when she caught sight of one of the leftover sheets. They must have missed it.

She leaned down and looked over the words - neat handwriting, surprisingly enough - and paused. There were a few notes, copied directly, quotation marks added just for extra security.

_‘Oh? Miss Ackerman? You mean Mikasa? She’s brilliant. Far better than I’ve ever been. You want actual advice? Talk to her. She’s got natural talent, practiced talent, she’s the perfect soldier, and I’m sure she’d lead you through everything you want to know. What? No. Don’t be intimidated. She’s nice, trust me. I mean, sure, she hides it behind those cold cold glares, but just… watch her. She shows she cares through her actions, and I think, yeah, that’s far more important than any plain old words.’_

_Talk to Mikasa: Sofia_  
_No, I’m not doing it, you do it. Coward._  
_Fine! Fine._  
_Talk to Mikasa: Dieter_

She felt her heart soften. Just slightly. Just enough to be open to the idea that, perhaps, Reiner could be a friend.

When she looked at their little notes below, she grinned, and she made a quick decision. Yes, she’d help them. She’d interact. Just a bit. Just enough. It helped that she had Reiner there. She was comfortable _enough_ with him, and he could be her bridge to the other side.

\--------

That next day, after their first week at the compound, was a bright one. Mikasa woke up, walked to the mess hall, and in a surprising show of never-before-seen behavior, sat down next to Reiner and his little followers.

Reiner looked up from his bowl and nearly dropped the bread. “Oh fuck, please don’t murder me Mikasa I didn’t mean it.” He held up his hands in surrender. “I swear on my mother’s life I’ll never ever cross you again please just _spare me._ ”

“Who said I was going to kill you today?” Mikasa restrained herself, eating the bread slowly. “Now,” She looked at Sofia and Dieter in turn, “Ducking one, duckling two, you’re going to be with me today.”

“Duck-?” Dieter began. “-Ling?” Sofia finished.

“I won’t be waiting for you,” Mikasa got up, bread gone - ah, she’d done it again, stuffed it down and made it vanish in a few seconds flat. Was she channeling Sasha since the potato-girl wasn’t there?

Reiner watched the exchange with wary eyes, but when he was semi-certain that Mikasa wasn’t going to slit his throat and laugh as he bled out on the table - not that it could’ve worked anyway - he grinned and waved goodbye to the 104th rejects. “Have fun in hell kids!”

What happened to the brother-figure? Kids? Was he kidding himself? Brother was crossing the line already. He was getting too attached. Bertholdt was right; he should’ve listened.

\--------

When Dieter and Sofia returned in the evening, Mikasa and Petra pulling them along, Reiner had just returned from a few titan lessons from Hange. Which was… less than comfortable. But when watching the two exhausted bodies of the Western and Eastern Division stars wriggle around across the floor, his mood was immediately improved.

He got up from the table and kneeled beside the two almost-corpses, snickering to himself as they tried to pull themselves up - without the support of Mikasa and Petra, they were stuck on the ground for good.

“How’d you fare?” He spoke to Dieter first, and the red-haired boy only shot him a long look and mumbled a small word, “Bastard.”

Sofia, on the other hand, spoke up with a long groan. “I miss your lessons, let’s go back to that.”

“Oh, but you learned so much!” Petra exclaimed from the other table, laughing along with Oluo. Mikasa too. In the corner. _Smiling._

Reiner sighed, slapped his thighs, and wrapped his arms around both of their waists. He picked up the two worms - thankfully he was as tall as he was - and started to head back to the two sleeping areas. “You lazy bums get this once, but after today, you’re going to have to drag yourselves back to bed or sleep on the cold stone, yeah?”

“Yeah…” A mumble in unison. Reiner still wasn’t sure they weren’t related.

He started with Dieter, shoving the boy into his bed and pulling up the blankets - holy shit why wasn’t Bertholdt there - to make sure he was comfortable. “Want me to sing you a song, read you a bedtime story?” Reiner was being completely sarcastic, but when he saw the kid’s eyes - Could he even say kid? Dieter must have been, what, two years younger than him? - he immediately regretted asking.

“A song would be nice.”

“No.”

“You suggested it. Coward.”

“Do you two have the same brain? Coward is the only insult you guys use.”

“Don’t forget bastard.”

“How could I have left that out.” Reiner snorted - for a few reasons - and left the room, turning down the flame on the oil lamp, Sofia dangling from his other arm.

He was gentler with her, mainly because she was already fast asleep, and snoring loudly. It made it a lot easier, and he escaped the girl’s sleeping area quickly - he didn’t exactly want to have one of the female Survey Corps members getting him in trouble with Erwin.

It wasn’t until he got to the mess hall that he realized neither of the two had eaten. Sofia was a lost cause, but he grabbed something simple for Dieter and returned to the room, only to find him asleep as well.

There was a part of him that wanted him to leave it be. To let him sleep. But then, the more ‘hey, when did you decide to upgrade from brother to daddy?’ side made him doubt his decision. In a split-second siding with his brother-self, he threw the slice of bread at Dieter’s face.

The boy startled awake, staring at the shadowy figure in the doorway. He didn’t quite know what he was staring at, but Reiner’s voice made him dismiss any thoughts about ‘Mikasa’s come to beat me just to fulfill her sadistic pleasures’ and ‘Oh fuck the boogeyman’s finally caught up.’

“Bread. Eat it, kid.” No. Not kid. Why did he say that again?

Dieter stared after his shadowy-bread-deliverer, hesitated for a second, ate it, and promptly fell asleep.

\--------

When Reiner finally made it back to the newbie table, Mikasa watched him with a calculated look in her eyes. He furrowed his brows and tilted his head in reply, an unsaid question. But before the raven-haired girl could answer, Oluo spoke up from the other side of the room, “What the fuck was that Braun? Are you sure babysitting isn’t your true calling? Don’t tell me you have a kid we don’t know about.”

Reiner rolled his tongue around in his mouth, deciding whether the reward of speaking up would be worth the punishment received afterwards. But Mikasa quelled his impulsivity with a brief touch of her hand to his arm.

“You said you’re single, right Braun?” Petra spoke up, her cheeks stained red from an alcohol induced blush, “Can’t see why. Any woman’d be lucky. Even I- If I wasn’t already-” She looked off into the distance, taken with some fleeting image of some fleeting man.

Reiner decided to ignore her comments, although he did fidget with his shirt collar, clearly feeling awkward.

Mikasa waited a moment, just to see if anyone had any extra comments, before speaking up, “Do you have any siblings, Reiner?”

He blinked, as if just then registering her presence, and shook his head, “No. A cousin though. It’s been awhile since I last saw her.” Reiner looked off to the side, “She’d be… Oh. I don’t know. Five. Six? Her name’s Gabi.”

He then met Mikasa’s eyes, as if just now realizing that it was _Mikasa_ talking to _him_. He hadn’t been expecting that. It was probably the _last_ thing he expected from her. Speaking in general, yes, that was fine. But asking about his life? Starting a conversation? He smiled, slightly, and dipped his toes in the water, trying to make sure she didn’t close herself off too early.

“And you have Eren, right?”

That was the wrong thing to say.

Mikasa’s open expression suddenly closed off, and he grimaced. “Wait, that’s not-”

Mikasa shook her head, “It’s fine.” But it clearly wasn’t, as she got up and left the room, heading toward the outside training area.

Reiner rubbed a hand down his face and stared at the table. Why had he said that? Especially in relation to caretaking? During their years in the Training Corps, it was always a point of contention among the 104th: was Eren a brother or a lover? They learned that they had grown up in the same household - that information was from Eren, talkative about his past since it supported his great need to kill all titans. They also weren’t related by blood, although nobody knew how or why Miaksa had joined the Yeagers.

There were two groups, one that suggested Mikasa had a _deep_ crush on the boy. The other saying that she was only an extremely overprotective older sibling. Reiner was in the latter, although he didn’t miss the small blushes Mikasa sometimes had on her face as she interacted with Eren. Maybe it was a mix?

Either way, he had brought Eren up. And Eren was a no-go subject. Not only had he suggested that Eren was only a brother to her, he also made her think about him again, which was probably the worst thing he could’ve done. He had noted the change in Mikasa, he had watched her as she began to open up - quiet, yes, but enjoying her time with the Survey Corps. It was as though she had forgotten the two friends she had left behind, or, at the very least, had pushed them to the back of her mind. But now, she was thinking about them again, and if it reset anything-

“I screwed up,” He mumbled to himself, finishing the last of the soup as he headed back to his room. He wasn’t going to go out there, she needed time to herself, to think it over, and he knew his presence would only make her more aggravated. Right?

\--------

Mikasa had her head in her hands. What was she doing here? All of her goals, all of her aims, all of her thoughts - it was all Eren. And yet she had left him. So what was she doing now? She didn’t care much about creating supply lines or getting along with the Survey Corps, she just… there was some part of her that wanted Eren to be proud. Proud of her efforts and proud of her care for him.

It was why she was so hesitant to interact with everyone else. She wasn’t there to get attached to them, she had to keep her mind focused on the boy who had given her the scarf. The boy who had shown her protection and love.

She touched the fabric, ran her hands along it, and frowned. Was this fair? She loved Eren, she wasn’t entirely sure in what way, but she loved him. And yet, there were others around her, others that would be relying on her, and she knew she couldn’t get distracted by thoughts of the boy, otherwise she’d endanger everyone else. The mission was coming up, in a week or so, and…

There, a lamp in the distance.

Mikasa squinted, but it didn’t take long for her to figure out who it was. Reiner was huge, well-built - anyone could see that. His shadowy silhouette was enough, and her guess was confirmed when she saw his face illuminated by the glow.

“Hope I’m not interrupting,” Reiner sat down beside her, leaning back against the building.

“You are,” She said plainly, letting go of the scarf, “But it’s okay.”

“Good. I didn’t really feel like getting drop-kicked tonight.”

Her lips twitched upwards before quickly falling back to their resting place.

“I just wanted to apologize, I didn’t mean to, you know…” Reiner hesitated, trying to find the right words, “I didn’t mean to bring him up. I know you guys are close. You miss him right?”

“Yeah,” She picked at threads of red, turning her face up to the starry sky, “I don’t know if I’ve ever been away from him for this long.”

“It only gets easier,” He gave her a reassuring smile, following her gaze to stare at the twinkling constellations, “I haven’t been away from Bert for this long either.” He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I miss him, but we have a duty as soldiers.”

“How do you do it?”

“Hm?”

“How do you push forward? How do you ignore your friends, your family? How can you make decisions like that so easily?”

Reiner frowned - family? - and shut his eyes, “I know what has to be done. I guess my goal is… protection. I don’t want anyone else to be hurt. And by being in the Survey Corps, I can do just that.”

Mikasa fiddled with her thumb, “Soldiers, warriors, knights. I suppose that’s all we’re doing. Protecting.”

She watched Reiner shift, his expression change slightly. “Yeah.” It was a simple reply, but enough, and the two sat in relatively comfortable silence, looking up at the stars.

It wasn’t until Reiner spoke up again that they both suddenly realized they should be heading back to headquarters. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever spoken to me, Mikasa.”

“Don’t get used to it,” But her expression was light, and she didn’t even threaten him once as they walked back through the door to the mess hall.

\--------

The next week was fairly pleasant. Sofia and Dieter were still downright terrified of Mikasa and stuck to Reiner as much as possible, but the blond would occasionally shove them into her hands so that she could beat lessons into them.

They were already being taught by members of the Survey Corps, getting refreshers about the best killing techniques and learning more about the inner workings of the regiment, but the Eastern and Western newcomers needed a lot of extra help, and it fell to the Southerners to help them work it out. Neither Reiner or Mikasa minded, in fact, it was a rather pleasant way to spend their time. Considering the two had extremely strong motherly and fatherly instincts, there was some part of them that demanded them to help teach the two kids.

Still, Reiner couldn’t help but wonder why Erwin hadn’t asked all four additions to come from the Southern Division. He couldn’t say he wasn’t thankful that it hadn’t happened - Annie, Bertholdt, and himself all in one place? It would make their mission a lot more difficult, although he was certain Annie would’ve refused anyway.

One was all they needed in the Survey Corps. And although he knew his mental state was deteriorating day by day, he believed he still had enough sense to make it all work. If Bert and Annie could get into the military police, and he could remain trusted in the Survey Corps, then their combined knowledge would likely lead them to the coordinate - wherever it was.

Still, he was distracted. He had barely learned anything about the royalty in Paradis, and that was mainly due to his lessons with Dieter and Sofia and his occasional spars with Mikasa.

Mikasa had started to open up. A lot more than he was expecting. Sure, she still spoke only when it was absolutely needed, but she held conversations and she didn’t immediately try to leave if she got herself involved in a discussion. She was becoming one of the group, and Sofia and Dieter were warming up to her. As were other Survey Corps members.

Reiner got along with most of the instructors, and it was with a bit of his encouragement that Mikasa started to get along with them as well. Levi was… different, but Hange and Mike and Erwin all had pleasant conversations with the two - semi-pleasant in the case of Hange and Mike.

Mike had become strangely obsessed with the two of them. Reiner had noticed him hanging around after their initial introductions, and he noticed him further whenever Mikasa and Reiner were sitting together in the mess hall. He was certain the man was _watching_ them, _sniffing_ them, and he couldn’t deny that he was uncomfortable with the idea. Downright terrified at first, after he learned that the squad leader could pinpoint titans a mile away with that nose of his. But as time passed, he realized that the attention wasn’t about any ‘titan smells.’ It was something else. And Reiner still couldn’t figure out the reason for it.

Then came tracking lessons with the man. He expected it at first, to be paired up with Mikasa on training assignments since they were similar in ability, but it started to get downright unbelievable. Every time he was learning under Mike, Mike made sure Reiner was right by Mikasa the entire time. Sofia and Dieter were forgotten - this was about the blond boy and the raven-haired girl.

They had to go into a cave alone, to practice clearing it and make sure it would be good shelter for the Survey Corps. And after they returned, Mike sniffed the both of them, frowning once finished. They were instructed to spend two days in the woods - survival training - a reminder of what they experienced in the Training Corps. They came back and Mike was once again left unsatisfied.

Reiner wasn’t an idiot, and when he came back from yet another lesson, spotting Mike staring and Hange grinning that creepy-psycho-smile of hers, it all clicked. He blushed fiercely, Mikasa looking at him with a questioning twist of her head, to which he didn’t reply.

Mike was playing matchmaker, and it seemed like the older Survey Corps members were beginning to get in on it.

The second half of the second week, while enjoyable, was pure torture for the seventeen-year-old. He was a flushed mess, more often than not, and didn’t appreciate the side-looks he got from the squad leaders and Squad Levi. Levi himself was the worst of it all. He had a feeling the man hated him, but he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve that - well, he’d done plenty, but none of them should know anything about that.

Even Sofia and Dieter got involved. First came the subtle remarks. They would pretend to slip up and refer to Reiner and Mikasa as ‘mom and dad,’ and the two older newbies would reply in turn, before realizing that ‘mom and dad’ most certainly _weren’t_ their names.

They had also encouraged a small game of truth or dare. None of the other Survey Corps members got in on it - a game for children, they’d say, even though Reiner _knew_ they definitely played it amongst themselves - but Reiner agreed and pulled a reluctant Mikasa along with him.

Dieter had looked to him first, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face when Reiner said dare. “Make up with Mikasa.”

“What?”

“It’s like you guys divorced or something. We want our parents back,” Dieter’s eyes widened - not the fucking puppy-dog look - and Sofia followed suit, nodding adamantly.

“We were never- What?” Reiner ran a flustered hand through his growing hair - beginning to let it fall like he had when he was a kid.

“We’re as old as you two,” Mikasa murmured quietly, her face hidden by the red scarf that had since been pulled up around her neck.

“Doesn’t matter! Where’s the affection? The passion? Where are the joint bedtime stories? It’s like you aren’t even our parents anymore,” Dieter shook his head, face falling, and Sofia followed, although she appeared to be struggling to hide her laughter.

“This was a trap, wasn’t it?” Reiner pointed an accusatory finger at the redhead and shook his head, “I refuse to fall for this ploy. New rule, I’m adding it now, no weird romantic stuff.”

“Don’t you flirt and make sex jokes all the time?” Sofia spoke up, tilting her head.

Reiner threw an exasperated hand into the air, “Yeah, but this is different!”

“Because you actually care?” Dieter wriggled his eyebrows and Reiner shot him a dangerously scary look.

As they argued, Mikasa had already climbed to her feet and was about to exit the room. Her hand closed around the handle of the door, but Sofia’s voice stopped her in her tracks, ‘Wait! Okay. We’ll stop. Let’s play an actual round. Just come back, please?”

Mikasa slowly released her grip and returned, sitting a little farther away from Reiner than she had been initially. The blond noticed and frowned just slightly, but he couldn’t exactly blame her after that exchange.

“Alright, Reiner, truth or dare?” Dieter gave him the option again, and this time, he decided on truth. What did he have to lie about? His destroyed town, southeast of Trost? His care for his best friend in the world? His need to protect the Survey Corps as a fellow soldier?

“Truth.”

Dieter narrowed his eyes, Reiner figured he must have had another dare prepared, but the boy was quickly grinning again, and Reiner really wished he had never agreed to play with that demon of a kid. No longer was he a mini-Bertholdt, he had become way too confident for his own good. “Have you ever killed someone?”

Woah what the fuck? Dieter was crossing the lines every which way, and Reiner stared at him, wide-eyed, for a few seconds.

“You don’t really have to answer, titans don’t count of course so I doubt-”

“Yes.” He remembered. He _remembered._

“Oh.” Dieter swallowed, as if regretting the question, and quickly turned to Sofia to replace him and make the game a lot more awkward as a whole.

Reiner looked down at his crossed legs. It wasn’t just the people of Shiganshina, was it? He remembered them most of all, their faces, their screams, but he also recalled before. He thought back to when he was ten, how they had him practice his talents by killing people, killing nations. They were winning wars, and there were no titans, no lesser beings, to make the killing easier. He hadn’t just murdered one. He’d destroyed the lives of hundreds of thousands.

He was awoken from his thoughts by Mikasa’s touch. A brief one, a hand on his thigh. She was watching him, her eyes filled with - what was that? Empathy? It made him think, for just a moment, that she understood, until he dismissed the thought in its entirety. He still gave her a small smile and looked toward Sofia, knowing she could fix the game up.

“Okay, uh, Mikasa,” Sofia turned to her, and Reiner felt her pull away from him. She said truth, and Sofia continued. “Are you and Captain Levi related? Because the resemblance in looks and behaviors is uncanny.”

Reiner turned to her with a raised eyebrow. It was a good question, and he was curious himself - did that explain the short-man’s behavior toward him? Maybe it was just because he was taller.

“I can’t really answer,” Mikasa shrugged, pulling the scarf down, “I don’t know myself.”

Sofia sighed her disappointment and nodded to Reiner, “Your go.”

“Sofia, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

Reiner grinned and leaned forward. “I want you to sneak into Hange’s cellar, find her body part collection, take one of the toes out of the toe jar, and sneak it into Captain Levi’s room.”

“Okay, number one, gross. Does she actually have something like that?”

Reiner nodded solemnly. “How else is she gonna compare titan anatomy to human anatomy?”

“Secondly, that’s impossible! You can’t-” Sofia started to get worked up, blood draining from her face, when Mikasa looked over to Dieter.

“You,” She stared him down, “are going to join her.”

“But I didn’t even say whether I wanted it to be a dare or not!”

“You will join her.”

“Yes ma’am,” Dieter frowned, he supposed it was well deserved, and tapped Sofia’s shoulder to get her to follow.

“Better move now, don’t want to go into Levi's room while he’s _sleeping._ ” Reiner's words caused both to rush, a shot of fear crawling through their spines.

When they exited the room, Mikasa spoke up, “Wasn’t that a little much?”

“Sometimes a dad’s gotta teach his kids a lesson,” Reiner turned toward her and smiled, happy to find that she was grinning in turn.

\--------

And that brought them to the present day. Reiner and Mikasa were sparring, and Dieter and Sofia were in the classroom, facing Hange’s wrath - they had been found out early, which was honestly a blessing, but the crazy titan-obsessed-scientist-lady still punished them by giving them multiple lessons in titan anatomy.

Reiner kicked at the dust and waited for Mikasa to fall into place beside him as they returned to the building.

“Team Leader Ness, what do you think of him?” Reiner spoke up, feeling like the silence needed to be filled. They’d be working under him on the expedition, he was curious about how she felt, how she viewed him. Would she be willing to listen to his orders?

Mikasa tilted her head, “He’s fine. At least he’s knowledgeable about the formation.”

That was true. While they had interacted plenty with the various squad leaders, it was Dita Ness that really drilled the lessons into their brains. He seemed to care a lot for the recruits, and the teenagers appreciated that, as much as they didn’t want to admit it.

“Well that’s a relief to hear,” both Mikasa and Reiner turned around to see Ness riding by on Charlotte. “Start running you two, there’s a meeting in the main hall.”

They both saluted the instructor and quickly sprinted to the doors, entering from the back and joining in with the crowd of Survey Corps members. Their fellow recruits were near the front, and Dieter - who had been looking about for them - motioned them forward to the two seats they had saved.

Reiner shoved his way through the crowd of people - everyone was there, and although the Survey Corps was far smaller than the Garrison and Military Police, there was still a sizable amount - and Mikasa followed closely behind him to take advantage of his messily formed path.

“What’s going on?” Reiner leaned over to whisper-yell in Dieter’s ear, trying to be heard over the din of the crowd.

“They’re moving up the expedition. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! I drew something! Okay, honestly, I could've spent more time on it, but I only felt like doing a bit of a sketch, so make sure to turn your brightness up to see it fully.


	4. Suicide Squad Parade

Reiner grabbed the cloak and threw it over his shoulders, fastening the button. The Wings of Freedom rested on his back, and a brief sense of guilt rushed through his body. He didn’t deserve to wear it, not at all, and yet it was there all the same. 

Dieter looked up from tightening his harness and noted his expression. “Hey! Everything’s gonna be fine. Besides, you and Mikasa are on a whole different level. I’m sure you could be in the scout support team and still survive this whole ordeal.” 

“Mm,” A non-committal noise. Reiner finished pulling on his boots and then walked over to the struggling recruit, helping him cinch the last buckle. “True. You better be damn happy Mikasa and I are on the relay team with you two dumbasses.”

“I thank Kami every day for that,” He mimicked a prayer and Reiner laughed, slapping him on the shoulder. 

“Time to get going. Save the prayers for when you’re inside a titan’s mouth” 

Dieter pulled his cloak up as the two rushed out, meeting Mikasa and Sofia on the way to the stables. 

He nodded a quick hello to his fellow Southerner and then moved to his horse. He had named him Marcel. Maybe it was in poor taste, ‘Oh hey Marcel, you sacrificed your life to save mine and the best I could do was name a horse after you,’ but he still felt comforted every time the horse replied to his name being called. 

He checked the saddle straps, made sure the supplies were packed in the saddle bags, and felt the bit to see if it was loose enough to remain comfortable. Everything was in order. Reiner swung himself up onto Marcel and lightly touched his sides to get him to start moving out. 

Dieter was following close behind. Sofia, off to the side, was relying on Mikasa’s help to boost her onto the horse. The girl was abnormally tiny, and as the horses tended to be the same height all around, she struggled with equestrian training. Mikasa had little trouble hoisting her onto the saddle, and when she was done with that, she quickly grabbed her own horse and climbed up, trotting over to Reiner’s side. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” 

They pulled ahead of the two to match pace with the forming wagon train - they’d split into formation once they existed through Trost. 

“I’m worried for them,” Reiner spoke up, turning to look back briefly at Dieter and Sofia. “They aren’t ready. Why the fuck didn’t Commander Erwin ask for our top four?” 

“Big-brother Reiner.”

“Huh?”

“You’re doing it again,” Mikasa shifted her gaze over to him as they caught up to Dita Ness, staying just behind him. “You’re caring too much.”

“You care about them too, don’t try denying it.”

“But I can acknowledge the Survey Corps track-record. Not many survive the expeditions, so-” She was direct, firm in tone, “Always be prepared for the worst to happen.”

“That’s real fucking cold Mikasa.” 

“It’s the truth. You can’t protect everyone. We did what we could in training, we helped them, we taught them, and now it’s time to complete the mission.” 

Reiner exhaled sharply, turned to look back at Dieter and Sofia, who had only just gotten fully relaxed on their mounts. “Yeah… I guess.” 

Yet, even as the conversation between them ended, he kept his eyes on her. He watched as she looked down at the reins, as her resolve wavered in the light of thoughts about what was to come - at least he assumed that’s what the hesitation was about. But he couldn’t read her mind, and she couldn’t read his. She couldn’t see that he was bothered for more reasons than one: the mission to come, the mission that had consumed his life for years, and the constantly shifting personality that seemed to wish he was a soldier rather than a warrior. 

\--------

They arrived in Trost with little fanfare, but as they made their way toward the gate, more people crowded in. News was spreading - yet another expedition. 

There were a few younger kids in the audience, and Mikasa was immediately reminded of Eren and herself. In front, a little girl with bright, adoring eyes. She felt it would be an insult not to wave at the little thing, and when she did, the girl hopped up and down and turned to her friend to make sure he saw. 

Mikasa shifted her attention to Reiner who was riding to the other side. She wasn’t at all surprised to see him trying to interact with everyone, even as they continued forward. Waving hi to a kid, winking at a young maiden, exchanging a few loud words with the resident drunkard, it all screamed ‘Reiner.’ 

The real surprise came during the final stretch. “No fucking way. No way! BERT! CONNIE!” Reiner was shouting now - Ness looked back at him in reproach, but it did little to stop the blond from exclaiming his love for the 104th - and slid halfway to the side in his saddle, looking ahead at the gathered cadets. 

“Reiner!” Connie was jumping from foot to foot, waving his hand back and forth, nearly hitting Bertholdt in the face. “Looks like we caught you just in time!” 

They were getting closer, and Mikasa started to scan the crowd for Eren. 

“Are all of you guys here? Why the hell would Shadis allow this?” Reiner finally reached his two friends and quickly clasped both his hands on Connie and Bertholdt’s shoulders, leaning out of his saddle to do so. 

Connie grinned from ear-to-ear, “He didn’t.” 

“Dumbasses. Don’t get in trouble for the likes of me,” But Reiner was smiling. It was obvious he was loving every second of it. 

“Good thing we came for Mikasa instead,” Connie smirked and Reiner pulled his hand away to punch him lightly, but it was a lot harder than he intended, and the smaller boy fell back into the crowd. 

“He’s not wrong,” A second voice, farther down the line. Eren. 

Mikasa straightened in the saddle, pressing her body forward, searching, searching, there. Armin and Eren stood beside one another, small grins alighting their faces. She blinked in turn, unsure of what to say. 

They continued to move forward and Reiner grabbed onto Bertholdt for a second more, grasping his hand for only a moment, before following after the group. They couldn’t hold the line up, even if catching up was all any of them wanted to do. “I’ll see you on the other side bud.” 

Mikasa pulled the reins so that she was behind Reiner on his side of the path, meeting Armin and Eren with a soft look resting on her face. The two replied in kind, all sharing multitudes of words through expression alone. It was then she realized that, no matter what difficulties their relationship went through, all three of them would still always be friends. That couldn’t be taken away. 

“Kill a few for me, hey?” Eren touched a hand to her horse and she nodded firmly. 

“Of course.” 

Armin, bright as ever, was quick to speak words of encouragement, “You’ll be amazing out there, Mikasa!” 

She smiled and nodded, the horse trotting forward even though she desperately wished it would just stay still; she had to leave them behind as the train continued on. 

However, the mount had only taken a few more steps when Eren started running after her. “Wait! Wait up!” 

Mikasa pulled back on the reins, heart beating quickly. ‘What if’s’ were crowding her mind, so much so that she felt like her brain was bursting at the seams. Was he going to…? 

All questions suddenly stopped when a cold piece of metal was shoved into her hand. “They key. To the basement. I think… well, dad said answers were there. I know you’ll make it to Shiganshina, to home.” 

Her fingers curled around the key, feeling it’s shape beneath her skin. “I won’t let it out of my sight.”

“I trust you Mikasa. I know you won’t let me down.” Eren smiled and moved back to his place beside Armin, waving goodbye. 

She turned to face the front, taken aback by Eren’s vote of confidence. It was obvious that he never enjoyed how she constantly doted on him, protected him, stuck with him 24/7. But that never changed the reality of their relationship, had it? Despite Mikasa’s differing wants from his own, they could both rely on one another. Always and forever. 

Mikasa woke up from her thoughts when she saw more familiar faces. Marco, Jean, Krista, Sasha - one of whom subtly shoved a baked potato into her hands. Samuel, Daz, Ymir, Hannah, Franz, Mina. They were all there. 

She spotted Reiner searching the crowds, talking briefly with Jean and winking in Krista’s direction - Ymir’s glare wasn’t lost to Mikasa. Then she saw him startle, just slightly, when he spotted a blonde girl a distance away, fading into a larger section of the crowd. Annie. She wondered about their relationship, but wasn’t given much, as Reiner quickly turned away. 

The 104th Southern Division soon faded into the background. Once they had, Team Leader Dita Ness pulled back on Charlotte’s reins and shoved himself between Reiner and Mikasa. “Friends of yours, I take it?” 

“Our Division. Bastards must’ve skipped training for this,” Reiner grinned and looked back to Sofia and Dieter who, for lack of better words, were green with envy. “Oh come on! If we were going through Krolva or Karanes all of your buddies would show up too.” 

“Yeah right. Everything was a competition. Pretty sure they’d just come to laugh at our horrible decision making skills. Well, maybe not Marlowe, but still-” Sofia shifted on the saddle and Dieter nodded along with her words. 

Reiner was about to speak when the group heard the rapid clip-clop of a horse approaching. It was Captain Levi, and all five of them - including Ness - stiffened. “We don’t pay you to participate in meet-and-greets. Look forward.” Levi narrowed his eyes and stared down the recruits, making sure the ‘no fun allowed’ idea was becoming clear. 

“Yes sir.” Reiner spoke up, Sofia and Dieter following suit. Mikasa felt as though she should’ve added in her own words of acknowledgement, but Levi had already pushed his horse forward and back to the front of the wagon train. 

Ness stared after the retreating man, and once he was certain Levi was involved - coerced - into a conversation with Hange, he broke off from the group to take his position in front of them. “You four better not get me into trouble with Levi again.”

“You started it,” Reiner complained with a laugh, to which Ness only glared. 

Mikasa watched the interaction, offering up one of her rare smiles, before kicking her horse into a faster trot; the Survey Corps continued on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we say goodbye to the 104th for awhile. Not to fear! They shall return. Later. 
> 
> The key also makes its appearance. I'm sure Eren wouldn't actually give it away, but shhh, plot point.


	5. Fuck Fires, Reiner Works

Although Mikasa and Reiner had been paired up in the official report, Team Leader Ness asked them to switch it up. Reiner was with Dieter and Mikasa was with Sofia. Sofia needed the most help, so the top recruit would be perfect for her. And Reiner, as the second best recruit, could help the average Dieter. 

They had bettered themselves during their time at the Survey Corps Headquarters, but they could still use a lot of improvement, and field practice was one of the best ways to do just that. Reiner knew that well, and he spent most of his time hanging back as Dieter took care of the signal flares. He hadn’t needed to step in, which was a blessing, and he had to admit he was proud of the guy. 

But, as expected, the ease of the expedition didn’t last for long. Thankfully it wasn’t due to titans; instead, weather was the enemy. 

Droplets began to fall, a light pitter-patter against their cloaks. Reiner willed it away, but it wasn’t to be, and he had to pull his hood up over his face. Dieter followed suit, and the two flipped the covers of their saddlebags down to protect the flares from water damage. “Gotta get back to Ness.” 

The two were on the right side, closer to the inside. Mikasa and Sofia would be just in front of them. Ness was behind both. They technically weren’t supposed to be in pairs as it was, but for now the Survey Corps had enough members that the recruits could rely on one another for a time. It was working out so far. 

Reiner and Dieter turned around, pulling along the spare horses, meeting up with Ness after a few minutes of galloping in his direction. It only took a little bit more for Sofia and Mikasa to join them, and they all waited, looking to Ness for instructions. 

Ness didn’t speak. It wasn’t his place to start giving any orders. Instead, they’d have to wait for one of Command’s men - oh, there he was. 

It was Luke Siss, obvious due to his longer hair and ponytail. “Commander Erwin had instructed us to stop for the night. We can’t make any further progress in the rain.” 

“Acknowledged. Thanks, Siss.” Ness nodded to the man and turned back to his crew of recruits. “Check your supplies. See if anything’s running low. I don’t expect your oxygen to have been used, but it could be a different story for food and water.” 

Mikasa and Reiner were quick to shake their heads. Reiner had only grabbed a small bite while in formation, and Mikasa hadn’t eaten anything at all. Dieter, however, moved forward and dropped his spare horse’s reins into Reiner’s hand. “I’ve got to grab more rations. I didn’t pack much to begin with” 

Ness inclined his head, giving him permission, and Dieter took off with his mount. “Sofia?”

She shook her head. 

“Good.” Ness dismounted Charlotte and ran a hand down her neck, narrowly avoiding getting his bandana snatched off his head by her seeking teeth. “You know the drill, get everything set up.” 

Reiner, now trying to control three horses, looked over to Mikasa for help, who only shrugged, jumping off of her own. “Jerk,” he murmured under his breath, only halfway meaning it. 

He coaxed Dieter’s spare to the other side of himself, now holding the two spares with his right hand, and swung off of Marcel, grabbing his reins with his left hand. All of the horses were well behaved, and he knew he probably could’ve let the reigns drop and focus on other work before tying them up, but to keep from risking it, he moved them to the side and quickly knotted the leather around one of the posts Mikasa had just hammered into the ground. 

When that was finished, he leaned back, stretching, trying to work off the long ride. It didn’t escape his notice that Mikasa was watching him. But when he met her eyes, she quickly turned away. He frowned at that, but didn’t bother asking, walking over to grab supplies from Marcel’s bags. 

In the process, his hood had gotten knocked off, and he had since become completely drenched in the pouring rain. It really wasn’t his day, and he was once again reminded that he might need to cut his hair. Having wet locks hanging in front of his eyes wasn’t exactly helpful, but at the same time, he didn’t have Bertholdt, and he really doubted his own haircutting skills. It still rested above his eyes when it wasn’t soaked though, so he pushed the thought to the side. 

Instead, he grabbed the wrapped tent canvas and began setting it up. It was small, really built for one person alone, but he knew he’d be sharing it with Dieter. Mikasa would share hers with Sofia. And Ness, the lucky bastard, would only have to worry about Charlotte interrupting him. At least Marcel was more behaved than she was, and at that thought, he ran a loving hand down his horse’s flank. 

Now, the tent. He had practiced setting it up plenty at headquarters, but in the rain it became a huge pain. Everything was extremely slick, the ground was mushy, and more than anything, he felt like it was useless. All of the group was wet anyway, what good would a tent do considering? 

But, as he looked about the area, seeing the three others - Dieter returning in the distance - he figured he’d go ahead and do it for them. He began hammering in the stakes, tying the ropes, and stretching out the canvas. Once the waterproofed fabric was balanced over the ground, he let it air out as best it could, and placed Deiter’s sleeping bag underneath. 

Reiner clapped his hands together when it was all completed, and looked to see if Mikasa and Sofia needed help. His fellow Southerner was just finishing, however, so he moved back and stared at the horizon instead. 

Just because it was raining and nearly dark didn’t mean that there weren’t going to be a few titans out and about. Since the flares didn’t work, they’d be blind for a few more hours, and that wasn’t reassuring in the slightest. Ness appeared to be thinking similarly, as he called Reiner over to his side, “Even at night there could be a few abnormals aiming to take a bite out of us. Take the first watch, alright Braun? See if you can manage to hold a flame.”

Reiner nodded, “Yes sir.” 

He walked over to the horses and untied Marcel, swinging himself up onto the saddle, promising the horse that he’d take all the tack off in just a little bit. Water caused chafing, and he was sure the horse was far less comfortable than he was. 

He rode Marcel out a distance, farther to the right. If any titans were coming for them, it would be from the right flank. The Survey Corps members in the center were highly trained, they wouldn’t let any titans from one side cross into another. 

So far, there were no movements. The sun kept sinking, although the clouds had already covered it up by then, and darkness covered the ground below. The moon was gone in its entirety, which was something of a blessing - as he had learned from Hange’s experiments, moonlight could allow the rare titan to stay active - and something of a curse considering the torch kept going out. Keeping watch was useless. Nobody would be able to see anything in the downpour. 

He turned and went back to camp. Ness’s tent was set up, and their team leader was sandwiched inside. Mikasa and Sofia were scrunched up together in her tent, and he could tell Mikasa was hating every second of it. Dieter, the bastard, appeared to be sleeping soundly in Reiner’s tent - he had a lot more space considering the huge teenager wasn’t currently there to shove him to the side. 

Reiner watched for a moment. And a moment was all it took for him to decide he wasn’t going to interrupt the kid’s sleep. 

He briefly went over to Ness, reporting that there wasn’t much he could do as a lookout, to which the Team Leader nodded and waved him away. 

Once that was taken care of, he walked to the center of the camp and dropped into a sitting position. _What he wouldn’t do for a fire._

His thoughts were interrupted by the approaching squelches of boots in mud. He looked up with a start and saw Mikasa staring down at him. She didn’t say anything, but she moved to give him a side of the fabric in her hands - extra tent canvas, he soon found out. 

She sat down beside him and pulled it over her head. He followed suit, and they quietly sat there underneath the extra protection from the rain. 

“You can’t keep doing this type of thing. You’ll catch a cold, and we can’t deal with illnesses spreading at the moment.” 

“And yet you’ve joined me out here.” 

“Sofia was moving too much. I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Excuses, excuses. You just wanted to get close to me.”

“You’re kidding yourself.” 

They fell back into silence, but it didn’t last very long. Reiner had pulled at the fabric slightly, trying to make sure it completely covered his right half, but that had displaced Mikasa’s section, and she yanked back with a lot more force. Thus started a war over the canvas, no words shared between them besides a few annoyed looks. 

It wasn’t until Mikasa had stolen it all back that Reiner threw up his hands, “How about we just move closer to each other?” 

“I’d rather not.”

“Oh come on! Am I really that much of a pain to be around?”

“Sometimes.”

“Fair enough.” 

Even despite the exchange, Mikasa slowly inched her way over to his side. And eventually, when their thighs were a few centimeters away from touching, she threw the canvas back up again. 

Reiner grabbed it thankfully and, in an impulsive split-second decision, moved to where they _were_ touching. And, to add to it, he slung his left arm around her shoulder and held up a hand in preparation for an attack from the girl. “Wait! Trust me. It’s not like I’m trying to be flirty right now.” Krista was still at the forefront of his mind, and he was pretty sure if he ever turned his attention to Mikasa, she’d kill him before he could even manage a sultry smile. 

Mikasa slowly let her hand drop - she had been planning on punching his face - because she began to realize what he was talking about. He was _warm_. Incredibly warm for having been out in the rain as long as he had. 

“I’m no Bertholdt, but rain ain’t got nothin’ on me.” 

Despite herself, Mikasa began to relax into his grip. Sure, they were muddy, drenched, and not at all comfortable out in titan-territory, but his warmth was like a fire. It calmed her mind and she stopped paying attention to the fact that this was _Reiner_ not Eren. 

Reiner slowly let his protective hand drop and sighed, listening to the drops of rain fall onto the canvas and slide down on either side. It was… nice. But he had the distinct feeling he was doing something wrong here. Something wasn’t right. His thoughts flashed to Bertholdt, and he didn’t quite recall why that would be. 

Still, it was all dismissed when Mikasa murmured, “Not a word.” She shifted, moving from his side to crawl over his left leg. Now in front of him, in between his legs, she leaned back against his chest. “Body heat. That’s all. Don’t get any ideas.” 

“Yes ma’am.” He tried to think of anything but Mikasa. 

An awkward silence stretched between them, but Reiner quickly broke it. “Why’d you say yes?”

“To joining the Survey Corps?”

“Yeah.”

Mikasa pondered for a moment, feeling Reiner move beneath her as he pulled the canvas forward to offer them more protection from the elements. “At first it was for Eren. And I think it still might be. But there’s a part of me that… I want to help the weak.”

“So… Eren?”

Mikasa drove an elbow into Reiner’s stomach and he let out a sharp breath, regretting his decision to speak. “No. Well, yes, but no. Do you remember those kids we saw when we left Trost?”

Reiner nodded, but realized she couldn’t see it, so he spoke instead, “Yes. Pretty cute, clearly obsessed with us.”

“They reminded me of myself. Myself and Eren. Armin too.” She sighed and grabbed the edges of the canvas, pulling them closer. “The world is cruel, but maybe I can protect its beauty. Maybe I can keep those kids from suffering as we did.” 

Reiner shifted. He felt like he was close to remembering, there was something about those words that made him feel like… But it failed, and he moved on. At first he wanted to make a quip, something about how profound she was being, something he’d never seen from her before. But it was the wrong place, wrong time, so he only tilted his head. “You’re doing a good job so far, and don’t you try and give me one of those cold glares of yours.”

She twisted her neck so that she could look up at him as he looked down at her. “I’m just saying… I’ve seen you interact with the 104th, with the Survey Corps, with others around you. I think you try to hide it, but you care. You care a lot, don’t you? Not just for Eren, not just for Armin, for everyone.”

“Not you.”

“Okay fine. Not me. But everyone else.” 

She didn’t answer at first, moving back and closer to his warmth - _Stop getting that close._ Krista was no longer blocking his thoughts. This was trouble. “I don’t know. I think I might be trying to protect others in place of Eren. If I can’t make him understand me then-” 

“Then you’ll find other ways to channel that protective nature, yeah?” 

“Yeah. Or maybe I’m just trying to get him to realize I’m there for him. I can help him. His mom- She told me to… And now I’m here and…”

“You don’t have to talk about it.”

“I know, but-” 

Boots. They were headed toward their makeshift canvas covering. Reiner wouldn’t have heard it over the rain had it not been for the obnoxious humming - Sofia. 

Mikasa quickly tried to pull away, but by the time Sofia had popped her head around the side to peer in, it was too late. They both looked at the little brunette with wide-eyes. “OHHH. I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.” 

“No. You didn’t know shit- Hold up- SOFIA-” Reiner spoke up quickly, but by the time he had finished, she was already running over to the boy’s tent to kick at Dieter’s exposed foot. 

“Wake up! Wake up man, you’ve gotta see this.”

Dieter groaned and pushed himself upwards, rubbing at his eyes with a frown that could rival Captain Levi’s - well, not really, but it was close enough. “What. Do. You. Want.” 

She pointed, grinning. And there, for both of them to see, were the murderous expressions of their two fellow recruits. “Oh, definitely worth it.” Dieter grabbed Sofia’s outstretched hand and pulled himself to his feet, walking closer to the very dangerous Reiner and Mikasa. “You guys finally made up; We can be a family again!” 

Once Sofia and Dieter were near to Reiner and Mikasa, the Ackerman sighed, shut her eyes, and decided to go with a simplistic approach, like usual. “He’s warm. That’s all.” 

“Well he can’t be any warmer than-” Sofia placed her hand on one of his broad shoulders and stopped mid-sentence, “Holy shit.” 

“See?”

“Make some room,” Sofia clambered underneath the canvas and sandwiched herself into Reiner’s left side. 

‘That wasn’t an invita-” Mikasa started, but stopped, as Dieter was climbing into their little space as well. 

Dieter pushed into Reiner’s right side, trying to protect his legs from the rain, and turned to the taller boy. “We’ll never speak of this again.” 

Reiner only nodded, wondering what he did to deserve this fate, considering he had decided to sit outside to make sure everyone had space in the first place. But after a few moments, he relaxed into the idea and moved his arms so that they encircled the other two’s shoulders, pulling them closer. 

He was forgetting something, wasn’t he? Something extremely important. 

Mikasa soon followed suit despite herself, sighing contentedly as the warmth of everyone spread through her. She could get used to this, but a voice in the back of her mind urged her to stop. They were in the Survey Corps. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t protect everyone. 

None of the four noticed Dita Ness’s annoyed - and maybe slightly jealous - eyes boring holes into the canvas, and if they had, they probably wouldn’t have cared anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps it's in the manga and I'm just forgetting, but I don't believe we've ever gotten much information on what the Survey Corps does at night during expeditions. So, here I am, using that to my advantage. 
> 
> Campfire sleepovers in deadly titan territory! 
> 
> Except there's no campfire and everything's cold and wet. 
> 
> Also, I think it's more of a headcanon than anything? But I like the idea of titan shifters being warmer than average. Bert would beat everyone at it, but still- 
> 
> Anyway! Everything's been pretty nice so far, but it'll start to change in Chapter 7. Gotta make use of those tags I added, right?


	6. Super-Smeller-Matchmaker

They were halfway to Reiner’s supposed village. He had, thankfully, visited the town before they made their way to Wall Rose, but he knew very little about the layout of the area, nor the details about the best way to get there. He was getting into dangerous territory, and he needed to stay on his toes if he was going to avoid suspicion - what type of suspicion, he didn’t really know, considering nobody in Paradis knew about titan shifters and their abilities. Perhaps he was lucky in that sense. He could blame his lack of knowledge on the years he spent away. Or, maybe he could make up some sort of memory loss story - which was rather ironic. 

The past few days had been a struggle, and he’d only just recently regained his true sense of identity. Without Bertholdt there to remind him of who he was, it had become extremely difficult to snap out of his soldier-self. What reason did he have, after all? He was with his _soldier_ friends, no warriors in sight. 

At first, Reiner didn’t know what was happening to himself. And he didn’t think his soldier side was aware of it either. It was subtle, and Annie and Bert had thought him to be putting up an incredibly smooth act in front of the 104th, but when they pulled him to the side and asked him about the mission, about what he was doing, and he found he had no idea what they were talking about. He had even threatened to speak to Shadis, until the word ‘Warrior’ was mentioned, and he regained his mind. 

Annie had wanted him to be killed. What good was a loose end? It endangered everything. But Bertholdt was the one to speak up - for once he had become confident in himself - and he told her they’d do no such thing. Annie was displeased by that, but after a day of dark glares, she later brought the two to the side to apologize. It wasn’t a full apology, it wasn’t really a sorry, but Bert and Reiner knew what she meant. After years of training with her, her tone and meaning were translatable. 

Still, both had to keep a careful eye on him. He often switched when he was hanging out with the 104th, but in the evening, once all had gone to bed, he tended to come back - to reflect and fall into guilty thoughts and hate-filled nightmares. 

He and Bertholdt had discussed his condition before. He didn’t know if there was a name for it back in Marley, he didn’t know if he was just making it up - doubts crowded in and threatened to swallow him, how much of a selfish bastard was he to create an entirely new identity to escape the consequences of his actions? - but they did work together to find a number of triggers that brought his Warrior side back. The only one to work without fail was ‘Warrior,’ and ‘Shiganshina’ was another good stand-in. 

Now, though, there was no Bertholdt to help him regain his senses. He had agreed to Erwin’s offer without consideration for Annie and Bert’s thoughts because he didn’t know he had to - the one time Shiganshina hadn’t worked - and now he was screwed. It had worked out in the end though, somewhat, as he had an in to the knowledge the Survey Corps kept hidden. He hadn’t figured anything out yet, but he was getting closer to Hange, semi-reluctantly, and began to understand just how much Paradis knew about the true nature of titans. And, as long as he maintained a good relationship with Erwin, he figured the Commander may relinquish something about the King. 

Still, it was a dangerous game, and he knew that better than anyone. Bertholdt had told him, time and time again, to be careful. He took his words to heart as a warrior, but as a soldier, they were quickly forgotten. 

One thing Bertholdt had told him to do was write down the term on a sheet of paper. Keep it in his pocket. He didn’t know whether it would work, but perhaps reading ‘Warrior’ would be enough to keep ‘Warrior’ in control. 

He hadn’t remembered to try it, and so, besides a few brief periods of lucidity at the Survey Corps headquarters, he remained a soldier. 

That day, however, he was in control of himself. And his thoughts were dark. He missed Bert. He missed his friend’s support. He even missed the savagely terrifying Annie. He wanted to go _home_. But he knew it wasn’t possible, not yet. He’d only be asking to be eaten by the next inheritor. All three of them would. 

That’s right. Annie and Bert were relying on him. He couldn’t give up - not when he promised he’d be Marcel. Reiner _was_ dead. And even though he kept resurfacing as a soldier, the warrior in him pushed it down as best he could. 

He was riding beside Mikasa. Ness had decided that Dieter and Sofia had practiced long enough with the more talented recruits. It was time for them to figure it out on their own. They couldn’t be babied forever, after all, and Ness knew that Reiner was definitely doing just that. Mikasa too, in her own way. 

So, they had been paired up again. And warrior Reiner didn’t really mind. He felt like he had to be more careful around her, but she was perfectly fine company, even while being one of the devils- 

But she wasn’t a devil, was she? Soldier Reiner had realized it right away, and the more he interacted with those in Paradis, the more he had to lie to himself to make him believe he was doing the right thing. He was conflicted, and that was the worst possible thing he could be for Bert and Annie and _Marley._

He was growing attached. And if he was being honest with himself, he had become attached years ago. 

“Don’t tell me you’re actually thinking real thoughts in that small mind of yours.” Mikasa kicked at her horse, pulling up beside him as the formation continued through titan territory. 

“You’re honestly pretty mean, aren’t you?” Reiner twisted his body so that he could face her, raising an eyebrow. “I mean, everyone said you were a bit cold, but once you get comfortable, you get _mean._ ” 

“Who said I’m comfortable with you?”

Reiner merely gestured at her in her entirety. “Have you ever spoken this much to another member of the 104th?” 

She hesitated, frowning. “Eren and Armin.”

“They don’t count.” 

“Yes they-” She stopped suddenly, looking to the sky as a red flare appeared. She pulled out one of the canisters and loaded it into the gun, shooting it quickly so that command could see. 

“Forward scouts will take care of it,” Reiner shifted in his saddle, urging Marcel forward. 

As expected, a green flare soon followed, and Mikasa and Reiner pointed their mounts leftward. 

It had been surprisingly smooth sailing for the first quarter of the expedition to Shiganshina. Besides the few storms that resulted in the deaths of three scouts - unexpected titans - there had been no other losses. It was unprecedented, and that’s why Reiner barely reacted when a black flare billowed to the left. 

They wouldn’t have to get concerned about the left flank, but still, Reiner watched in silence. An abnormal. It wasn’t an intelligent titan, he knew that - unless, of course, the jaw titan was somewhere within Wall Maria - so it could be taken care of. Not without casualties, though. Abnormals were the worst of the bunch. 

“We should be out there.”

Reiner shot her a questioning look. 

“We’re better than most, Reiner. We could help.”

“I’m fairly certain we’d just be in the way. These guys have experience, y’know?” 

“And we don’t?” 

“Not in the field.” 

Mikasa bit her bottom lip, deliberating. He could see it in her eyes, the waver. “You said you killed someone, right?”

Reiner grimaced, face turning downwards. Mikasa took that as a yes, even though it had been a rhetorical question from the start. 

“I have too.”

He raised his head with a start. “W-”

“I don’t want to talk about it, but… If we can kill people and survive to here and now, do we really need to be protected from the reality of this world? We’re top recruits, Reiner. It may be a different story for Dieter and Sofia, but we earned our positions. And look at us, we’re just riding horses into the sunset.” 

“... It’s an important job.”

“You’re just saying that. Even then, we don’t technically need to be in pairs for this. They’re just shoving us back here as spares.” 

Mikasa fell silent and Reiner paused before speaking. “I’d say you’ve officially graduated from Eren.” 

“Huh? No. That’s not-”

“How do you help Eren by being out in the front lines?” She didn’t answer. “You don’t. That was a response to something else. Something deeper.” He shifted, “Not that you can do anything about it. Going against orders will just get you kicked out.” 

Mikasa frowned. “Still. I doubt you’re satisfied either.” 

Reiner looked at the fading black smoke. “No. I guess I’m not.”

\--------

“Reiner, Mikasa, go grab more rations for all of us.” Team Leader Ness had called the two over from setting up their tents, motioning toward the center line. “Front cart. You know the drill.”

The pair saluted and whistled for their horses. Reiner’s came immediately, Mikasa’s took a few seconds longer. She frowned at that, swinging herself up onto the saddle. 

“You know, if you named it, I’m sure it would like you more,” Reiner patted Marcel’s flank subconsciously, to which the horse whinnied happily in reply. 

Mikasa gave him a deadpan stare, “That doesn’t change anything. It’s a stupid horse.”

Reiner inhaled sharply, covering Marcel’s ears. “How dare you say something so horrible. Apologize to it.” 

“No.”

“Ice-cold-Mikasa strikes again. Here, how about I name it?”

Mikasa nudged her horse forward so that they could move as they talked, “Alright, fine. Have at it.”

“Mm,” He leaned out of his saddle, “Looks to be a girl… You should call her Gabi!”

“After your cousin?”

“You remembered! No, okay, not Gabi. How about Karina?”

“Let me guess, another family member?”

“Mom- Hey, stop that weird psychic thing you have going on there.” 

“You’re uncreative, that’s all. And Marcel, who’s that? An uncle?” 

“A friend,” Reiner’s tone had changed. Mikasa knew it would be better to avoid that topic. 

“Gabi works. It’s cute.” 

“What? Oh but that’s- I mean, okay.” 

It only took a few more yards of galloping to arrive at the supply carts. They stayed quiet during that time, but it was the comfortable sort, something they had gotten used to after the endless hours they spent at each other’s sides. 

Reiner started loading the saddle bags while Mikasa stared at the Survey Corps members around. It was nighttime, so faces were disfigured by dancing shadows cast by campfires, but she could spot Mike, Nanaba, Levi, and Hange a distance away. 

She was about to turn back and continue on with the supply restocking when she saw Mike waving her over. She looked behind her, almost expecting someone else, but when she found nobody, she hesitantly walked over to their fire. 

As soon as she got close to Mike, the man leaned down and sniffed her hair. She was expecting that, but it didn’t make it any less creepy. “I am… disappointed.” 

“S-sorry?” Mikasa wasn’t sure how she should reply to the Squad Leader. 

“Oh, really? And you’ve been trying so hard to pair them up.” Nanaba took a small sip from the canteen in her hand, looking toward her superior. 

Mikasa was standing straight as a rod, “I’m afraid I don’t follow.” 

Nanaba waved her words away and grabbed her arm lightly, pulling her off to the side, a distance away from the other higher-ups. “Look at them.” She pointed toward the other side of the fire. Levi was sitting still, his face somber. He stared at something in his hands, although Mikasa couldn’t pick out any details. Hange was sitting to his left, her hand clasping his shoulder. 

“Do you see that? They stick together through everything. The bad and the good.”

“Okay, but I-?” Mikasa wasn’t entirely sure what she was allowed to say to the woman. 

“Mike has been trying to make them admit their feelings for each other for _ages_. He can smell it on them, the attraction, the tension, and not once has any of it been released. He says it gives him a headache.” Nanaba stared at Levi and Hange, narrowing her eyes. “They’re both too dense. Even matchmaker Mike can’t get through to them.”

Mikasa shifted uncomfortably, “What does this have to do with me?” 

“You, Mikasa, are another source of it. You’re giving Mike a headache. And you better figure it out soon, or Mike’s just going to make it a lot worse for you and Reiner. You two are always paired up, aren’t you? He’s got Ness in on it. Not sure how many others.” 

When she realized what was being suggested, a fierce blush spread across her face. “No, no. Squad Leader Zacharias has the wrong idea. I like someone else, I-”

“Mike’s never wrong,” It was said with such conviction that Mikasa couldn’t help but startle, “Never.” 

“Nanaba, Mike, quit harassing the brat,” Levi spoke up from the other side of the flame, shoving the item into a pocket on his vest. 

Mikasa turned grateful for the interruption, immediately shoving away all thoughts about Mike’s sense of smell. 

“Come here.”

She did as he ordered, standing at attention. 

“Drop the act. I’m not interested in formalities.”

Mikasa let her hands fall to her sides and watched as he drank… something. Tea? Did they really bring tea out here? And he was doing it in such a strange way- 

“Do you know a man named Kenny?” Levi looked up at her with hooded eyes, Hange moving back to give him a bit of space. 

She shook her head, unsure of where all of that was coming from, “No. Not that I remember.” 

“See, I told you it was a waste,” Levi spoke to Hange out of the corner of his mouth, to which Hange frowned, “Give a bit of context, why don’t you?” 

Levi sighed and looked back over to Mikasa, “Same last name as yours. Still not familiar?”

“No.” 

Levi moved slowly, almost dramatically, looking back to Hange with an ‘I told you so’ expression proudly plastered across his face. Hange merely shrugged, throwing her hands into the air. 

“Am I dismissed?” 

“Yes,” Hange began but stopped, “If you ever recall anything, think you might know him, let Levi know, okay?” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Oh and-” Mikasa turned back to look at the titan-obsessed squad leader, “Tell Reiner hello for me, will you?” 

That did it. She squeezed her hands into fists, ground her teeth together, and tried to restrain herself from shouting at her superiors. She and Reiner were not involved and had absolutely no attraction for each other. None! And even though her mind was pulling up images of the storm, where his shirt was wet and sticking tightly to his taut muscles, or the feelings she had as she was pressed up against that sculpted body of his, she ignored them completely. Besides, even if she happened to find him handsome - which she didn’t - he liked Krista and she liked Eren. That was all there was to it. 

“Hey, are you okay? I just finished packing everything.” Speak of the devil. Reiner stood behind her, tilting his head as he looked down. 

“I don’t like you.” She blurted it out. She couldn’t help it. 

Reiner’s eyebrows furrowed. “Uh, alright? Nothing I didn’t know already.” 

Mikasa felt multiple pairs of eyes burning right through her, and in spite of herself, she turned to look at the gathered group. All of them were smirking - minus Levi - and in a split second decision, she grabbed Reiner’s arm and dragged him back over to the horses. “I really, really, really don’t like you.” 

“I feel like I’m missing something here.” And those worries were only exacerbated when he heard a chorus of ‘Ooooo’s’ from the campfire. “Those were our superiors, right?”

"Those were children.” 

“Ah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done a little research into DID, but certainly not enough to consider my work accurate by any means. So I apologize for any inaccuracies here/in future chapters! 
> 
> I'm considering Marley technology/research to be about the same as what we had during WWII. So, in the case of mental disorders, they'd probably label it as Schizophrenia rather than DID. However, as these guys are children AND Eldians, I'm guessing they never learned much about such illnesses and are probably making do as they go along. 
> 
> Also! I've become a bit busy, so any updates will probably be weekly. I'll try for Saturday, but if I can't make Saturday, then it'll be Sunday. This doesn't include any hiatuses or anything, but hey, so far everything's been pretty smooth, so I expect to finish this within the next year? Maybe?


	7. Laundry Always Comes With Risks

The expedition had taken a turn for the worse. After another abnormal attack, a joint one, four more scouts had been lost. Luke Siss had been among them, and it was clearly affecting Dita Ness’s mood. All of theirs, really. They had grown close to the Survey Corps during their few weeks of training, and there wasn’t a single face they didn’t recognize. 

Reiner was conflicted. As much as he hated to admit it, the warrior side of him figured their deaths would only make it easier for Marley. The fewer trained soldiers, the better. And yet, the warrior side of him was beginning to become similar to the soldier side - just with a whole bunch of extra guilt. He was realizing the absurdity of Marley’s propaganda, and it was far, far too late for that, wasn’t it?

He had met with Erwin on multiple occasions as they drew closer to his ‘village.’ Thankfully for him, soldier had been in charge, and it was a lot easier to pull off a convincing act when he didn’t believe he was lying in the slightest. 

But now, as he stared into Erwin’s disappointed face, he blanched. “You’re telling me you didn’t remember this river right outside the mountain range where _your home is?"_

“No sir. I’m sorry sir. After the attack my mind got kinda scrambled up and… Sir, if it wasn’t on the maps to begin with, it may have been formed after Wall Maria fell.” How, he didn’t know, but it was the best he could come up with in the moment. 

Erwin leaned back on his horse and sighed, running a hand over his face. “We’ll stop for tonight and cross in the morning. After we settle in your town, we’ll have to make a bridge so the supply lines can run smoothly. There are plenty of trees here, it shouldn’t be too much of an issue…”

Erwin continued to murmur to himself, and Reiner took that as his dismissal. 

Marcel complied to Reiner’s brief touches, trotting back toward the right flank, knowing the recruits would want to hear all about command’s next orders. 

When he returned and shared the news, Ness nodded and brought them closer to the edge of the river. They didn’t know much about how titans respond to water, but it was safer than staying in an open field - they figured, at least. All of the Survey Corps had lined up with them, spread out against the barrier. They were nearer to the edge this time. As population Suicide Squad was beginning to lessen, the recruits had begun to venture to the sides more and more. Mikasa and Reiner couldn’t deny their excitement at the prospect of actually _participating._ Dieter and Sofia, however, were less than pleased. Sure, they had always wanted to help fight for humanity, but the distant sounding of real titan screams had made them a little less interested in jumping right into the frey. 

“You need to wash those clothes of yours,” Mikasa spoke up, staring at the grimy state of Sofia and Dieter. 

“You do too.” Dieter and Sofia were speaking in unison again, and Reiner felt like his theory about them being long lost twins might actually hold up. 

“Let them do it in the morning Mikasa,” Reiner yawned and waved a dismissive hand. “It’s late. We’re all tired.” 

“Fine, but I better see you down at the river too.”

“Why me? So when we all go skinny dipping you can stare at my buff body?”

She threw one of the wooden tent stakes at him and he caught it, continuing, “That’s definitely it.” 

“You need to clean yourself.” Mikasa reached up as he threw the stake back toward her, grabbing it out of the air and swiftly hammering it into the ground. “We all do.” 

“So… skinny dipping.” 

“If you want to think of it that way, then fine. But I’ll be wearing my clothes.”

“Scarf and all?”

“Scarf and all.” 

Dieter and Sofia were watching the exchange with wide-eyes. “Don’t look now, but they might actually be into each other,” It was only a whisper, but they quickly jumped away from one another when they saw Mikasa’s pointed glare. 

It took a few more minutes for the tents to be fully set up. When they were, Reiner clapped his hands together and looked at the clammy pair, “Okay kids, song or story?” It had become something of a joke between the four, Mikasa and Reiner finally accepting that they couldn’t escape the parental roles that had been bestowed upon them. 

“A song. And actually do it this time Reiner. You owe us that for forgetting about the whole damn river.” Dieter leaned back against his sleeping bag - which was really just a bundle of shoddily sewed fabric. 

“It wasn’t _here_ back then.” A useless argument, but he felt the need to defend his position all the same. Still, he considered the request, leaning back against one of the nearby trees. 

A few seconds of silence passed, and then, to everyone’s surprise, he started to sing.

_“Weh, weh, mein Herz ist schwer_

_Gab für immer meinen Liebsten her_

_Seine wilde Rose blüht nicht mehr.”_

_“Mein Liebster zog in die Schlacht dahin_

_Und rief ‘Solang ich siegreich bin_

_Wird diese wilde Rose blühen.’”_

_“Ich gab der Blume seinen Nam’_

_Sie blühte stolz und unbeugsam_

_Bis eines Nachts dann der Winter kam.”_

Dieter and Sofia were wide-eyed, and it wasn’t because he sounded nice. It was because they couldn’t understand it. Neither could Mikasa. Neither could Ness. Nobody could.

“What the fuck was that, Reiner?” Mikasa was the first to speak up. When he flinched and cautiously looked in her direction, she regretted her tone - it wasn’t that it was bad in any way, in fact, had he sung anything that sounded normal, she would’ve found his voice attractive (something she wasn’t going to thank about) - so she softened her words. “I mean, what did all of that… What did it mean?” 

What bothered her more than the jumbled words was his expression. He was confused. _Lost._ “I don’t know.” 

Something felt wrong about that answer, but she didn’t have any time to ask him about it as Dieter and Sofia had escaped from their reverie. “Can you keep singing? Please? Meaning be damned, you’re going to have to do this every night from now on.” 

Reiner broke away from his thoughts and turned to the two. “Fine. One more tonight, but I make no promises for any other evenings.”

“What if we stop pestering you about the whole dad thing?”

“Isn’t this doing exactly that?”

“Only if you start singing lullabies.” 

Reiner snorted and thought back. “I don’t know what any of these are. I feel like I should, but…” He hesitated and started singing again, his deep voice flowing through the trees surrounding them. 

They all slept well that night, even Mikasa, who let the questions fade to the back of her mind.

\--------

Mikasa awoke early the next morning. The sun hadn’t yet risen, just a few beams were peaking over the edge. Perfect. Only the lookouts would be up, and that meant the river was free to use.

She shook Sofia, “Get up.” As the girl groaned in protest, she exited and walked over to Reiner and Dieter. One of them was snoring - Dieter - and she had to be a bit more forceful to push them in the direction of the water. “Up. Come on.”

“Yeah, we get it ma.” Dieter rubbed at his eyes and shifted his weight so that he was practically lying on top of Reiner. “Mannn, we gotta go, Mikasa’s gonna be pissed if you sleep in any more.”

At the word Mikasa, Reiner finally opened his eyes, and with a yawn and a stretch, he left the tent. “Laundry?”

She nodded. “And a bath.” 

“Yay.” 

“Shave your face while you’re at it.”

“Aw, no, I like it.” He scratched at the forming whiskers, something he hadn’t bothered to take care of while they were traveling. Besides, it didn’t look half bad, and he wasn’t in the mood to take any shaving kit to the river. Still, despite all of _his_ opinions on it, he grabbed one of the knives he received during close-combat training, if she really wanted him to cut it that badly, he could probably try his hand at it. 

They didn’t grab their ODM gear - they could put that on when they got back - all of the group, minus Mikasa, lazily meandering toward the bubbling blue water. Mikasa was the only one with her head on straight, alert as she led the group, and Reiner had to wonder if she had any weaknesses at all. 

“Skinny dipping?” He turned to look at Sofia and Mikasa with a bright, expectant, smile. 

“No.” Mikasa, brief as ever. 

Dieter spoke up for Sofia. “How dare you. She's your kid!”

“You’re all so disappointing. Connie, Jean, and Sasha’d do it.” 

“Too bad we aren’t Connie, Jean, and Sasha,” Mikasa shot him one of her cold looks and briefly tapped her foot against the water. Her boots were the only thing she took off; Reiner frowned at the idea of wet stockings. 

“Fine. Be boring.” Reiner took off his shirt, boots, and socks, and seeing as nobody else was going to participate in a naked display, kept his pants on. 

He was the first to jump in, finding the thing to be surprisingly deep. Thankfully the current wasn’t extreme, and he could stay afloat with little effort. Sofia and Dieter stayed a little ways away from the edge, hesitant about the cold, while Mikasa kept tapping at it. “Pitiful! All of you are pitiful!” Reiner swam over to the bank, and before Mikasa could jump back, he grabbed one of her legs and pulled her in. 

Now both of them were sopping wet, and he had an extremely angry Mikasa digging her nails into his shoulder. It was totally worth it though, and he smiled at his victim with pride plastered across his face. It had only occurred to him, after a moment, that he was forcefully gripping her waist, pulling her body against his chest, and he immediately let go, face flushed. 

“I’ve upgraded my dislike to hate. I now hate you, Reiner.” 

“It was only a matter of time.” Reiner watched as she swam closer to the center of the river. 

And then, as the sun rose over the horizon, casting its pretty rays of light down onto the blue of the water, he noticed that something was horribly, horribly wrong. 

It was beautiful at first, the way Mikasa’s wet hair sparkled in the sun, the way the water seemed to glow, but then he saw the hulking shadow beneath, and he remembered what Hange had told him about titans and water. 

_They didn’t know shit about it._

“Mikasa.” His voice was serious, and she immediately turned to look at him. “Swim back over here.”

“Is this some sort of trap to get your hands all over me again?” 

_“Mikasa.”_

Her eyes widened, registering the slight undertones of panic. She didn’t know what he was seeing, she assumed it was on the other side of the river, among the trees, but she still moved cautiously, hoping that whatever titan it was stayed asleep. Why the fuck hadn’t the lookouts noticed it? 

Reiner - treading water halfway between the bank and Mikasa - was a soldier. And as a soldier of the Survey Corps, he swam forward. 

_Protect, protect, protect._

It was moving. It was waking up. And right above it- no, he wouldn’t let it happen. As the thick shadow narrowed, drawing closer to the surface, Reiner grabbed Mikasa’s arm and flung her to the side. He could hear the snap of bone. He had broken it. But it was a small price to pay for her life, he figured. He’d apologize later, he’d tell her- 

Why did he hurt so badly? 

He saw blood in the water. Had he really done that to her? He’d have to kneel and beg- 

Fuck. No. Something wasn’t right. A lot of somethings weren’t right. 

Why was Mikasa shouting his name? He had _saved_ her. She didn’t have to be so upset. 

Huh, that was... He couldn’t feel his legs. His upper half was fine, his spine was intact, but his legs were clamped together and he couldn’t move them and they _hurt._

Oh. So that’s how it went. Everything became obvious as he rose above the water. That snap he heard wasn’t Mikasa’s arm. It must’ve been- 

Pure, undiluted pain spread throughout the entirety of his body. 

His skin was slick with his blood, and he hung upside down as the titan tried to bite through the entirety of his legs. He could see the water of the river below, he could see smooth red drops hit the tiny waves and disperse into little rivulets of color, he could see Mikasa’s face, and although he was too out of it to understand her expression, he smiled. He smiled, and he smiled, and he kept smiling because he didn’t know how else to deal with the pain. 

That’s what he did. He pushed her out of the way then. That was good. She was safe. That was good. That was good- What was he thinking about again? 

Home? No. He didn’t remember what his home was. Wait, he did, but where was it? Weren’t they going there? He dropped his smile to say something, although he wasn’t sure if anyone would be able to hear it. “I didn’t- I didn’t get there-” His voice shifted into a groan of pain. 

Those words pulled up memories for him, small ones. Flashes of a hanging man. Visions of Bertholdt’s crossed legs. Red and white and stars of nine. Something was wrong, but he didn’t understand what it was - he felt his vision swimming. He wasn’t going to make it back home, was he?

It didn’t matter though. Mikasa was safe, Dieter was safe, Sofia was safe. As long as the titan was distracted with his self-sacrificially inclined body, then they’d have time to make a break for it and they could continue with the mission. That was all that mattered to him in the end, seeing them live, seeing them make it out. 

…And yet, as he felt his legs get crushed further, he had one all-encompassing thought. _He didn’t want to die._ He’d do anything to make sure they were protected, even if it meant getting eaten himself, but desperation took hold of him despite that. It grasped at his heart and squeezed, forcing him to take gasping, panicked, breaths.

 _I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die._

How pathetic could he be? Were those going to be the final thoughts that crossed through his head? Nothing about heroism? Nothing about how he was content dying for the sake of others? 

He was stuck either way, with no solution- 

But if he could just get the titan to move away from the group or let him go… 

He swung himself upwards, biting his tongue as he felt the teeth of the titan dig further into his bones. 

There. There were the eyes of the ugly bastard. Fumbling in the back pocket of his pants - he found it. That fucking knife from close-combat training. Shaving be damned; here he was, and before him stood the Titan he needed to kill. 

His final seconds of clarity were quickly fading, and he used all of it up on a singular, precise, movement. He stabbed the fucker right in the eye, pulling the knife down, watching the vitreous gel come bubbling out. 

It had done its job at least, the titan loosening its hold, and Reiner felt himself falling down, down, down, to the water below. 

Cold darkness was all that followed.

\--------

She had expected it to be a joke. Wasn’t everything Reiner did a joke? He’d pretend to be serious one second, and then the next he’d reveal it to be a clever little trick of his. She _hated_ it. And she hated him now more than ever. Why couldn’t he just say it straight?

He was swimming toward her - what good would that do? If something was behind her, it wasn’t like him approaching would do anything. 

_Oh._

The water was ballooning beneath her. Something was rising to the surface, and she had a feeling it wasn’t one of those ocean creatures Armin liked talking about. 

For a brief moment, Mikasa felt helpless. She was in the middle of the river, a titan underneath her, and she had no ODM gear - none of them did. Not that it would’ve worked while drenched. 

There were no _outs_ to speak of. 

She felt panic rear its ugly head, something she hadn’t experienced in years. She was _strong._ She was the strongest in the 104th. This was no way for her to end; she had to get back to Eren, to Armin, to everyone else. She couldn’t just… this couldn’t be it. 

She’d fight it then, tooth and nail. Even if she died in the process, she wasn’t going to take it lying down. 

And then, suddenly, she didn’t have to. 

She was pushed to the side by strong arms - _Reiner’s arms_ \- and ended up further downstream, nearer to the bank. 

There wasn’t time to think. Mikasa swam for the rocky shore, pulling herself up to her feet, tiny pebbles pressing hard against her skin. She had to get someone, anyone. They didn’t have their gear. Why didn’t they bring their gear? But Ness, Ness was just a distance away, he could kill the titan. If only she could just- 

She looked up, seeing the petrified Dieter and Sofia staring behind her with unfocused eyes. “M-Mikasa-” Sofia began stammering, and Mikasa furrowed her brows. Why weren’t they leaving? They had to run.

“MOVE.” She started sprinting toward the two, maybe that would be enough to knock some sense into them - fuck, they knew titans. They’d seen them. If they stayed still like that, they were going to _die._ Reiner had to have come ashore by then, he could help her drag their sorry asses back if needed. If they even made it. She was _never_ going anywhere without her ODM gear again. 

Suddenly, the name on Sofia’s lips changed. “Reiner, Reiner, he’s- Mikasa- he’s-”

“You fucking idiots- GO! He’s right-” She turned to look at the bank, where she suspected he’d be.

He wasn’t there. 

Mikasa turned around, slowly, her senses coming back to her in force. She noticed the noises first. The low groans of pain - not screams - groans. The sounds of something gnawing on meat. Her eyes continued to trail across the ground in front of her, shifting toward the water - stained red, a deep, deep red, washing itself away in the current. And then she raised her face, meeting Reiner’s eyes as he hung suspended in the air. 

_He was fucking smiling._

“REINER.” She began to stumble forward, into the water, unaware of her own actions. 

It was Carla. It was Carla all over again. She had trained for years, she had become strong enough to protect Eren, to fulfill her promise to his mother. And yet, when faced with the dying throes of a friend, she could do nothing. _It was all so unfair._ Hadn’t they just been talking about her purpose? Hadn’t she told him that it was protecting beauty in a cruel, cruel world? 

And there it was, before her, fading. 

She was _angry._

A coldness fell over Mikasa. Not unlike how she had felt as a child when she drove the knife into her captor’s back, right through his heart. She needed to go back. She needed to get her ODM gear and save him. She needed to kill the fucking thing - everything else be damned. 

She saw his lips moving, he was saying something as he dangled there, but she couldn’t hear any of it. Not over the squelches of tendons being shredded. And definitely not over the sound of approaching horses. 

Her eyes were still locked on Reiner’s form. She watched as he made a last ditch effort to save himself. She watched as he fell, legs useless, and she began to move toward the river, stretching her arm out in a daze. She watched as the titan was cut down, Captain Levi swinging from branch to branch, clearing the area. Most of all, she watched the surface of the water. She saw nothing. 

Mikasa felt someone’s arm snake around her waist, snatching her up from the ground. She made no noise of protest, not at first, staring forward as trees passed by in a blur. But when she registered the movement, when she realized that they were leaving him behind, she turned to drive her arm up into her kidnapper’s throat. 

Ness blocked the movement, grabbing her wrist. It barely worked, Mikasa was strong, and she fully intended to knock them both off so they could go back to the river. “He’s dead, Mikasa.”

“You don’t know that. Turn. Back.” Her eyes were wide, lips drawn together in a thin line.

Ness turned his head away from her face, avoiding having to look at her expression. “Our right flank was decimated. Lookouts were killed sometime during the night. We need to _move._ We’re dealing with a horde right now, and we don’t have the time or the means to go charging back into the fray just to find his corpse.”

Mikasa twisted around to try and grab at Charlotte’s reins. “I’ll go alone then. If you try to stop me, _I’ll kill you.”_

Another horse approached their right, a solemn Hange carrying the unconscious bodies of Dieter and Sofia. In her hands she held one of the ODM blades, and it was pointed directly at Mikasa. “Sorry about this.”

Mikasa swallowed, looking from the blade to the shadowy forms of titans in the distance. “I can’t just-”

Hange had given Ness the distraction he needed to knock Mikasa over the head. 

“Thank you,” He grabbed her as she slumped forward, moving her body so that she’d be better settled on his horse, “She was serious about killing me. If you hadn’t come…” 

“Can you blame her?” Hange sheathed the steel weapon and urged her horse to quicken its pace. “Come on. We’re supposed to regroup a mile up river. Erwin will decide what to do from there.”

Ness nodded, his expression hidden from Hange’s view, “Will he order us to retreat?”

_‘Are their deaths going to be in vain?’_

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did the cliche singing trope. Because. I love it. And that's all. But hey, at least it serves another purpose too. 
> 
> Also, I realize that Marley speaks Eldian, but even with the subjugation of a race (when the Eldians first took over Marley so many years ago), some remnants of their culture should still remain. And I feel that songs and literature would be the best way to find it - ie, Marleyan (German, in this case), folk songs! I went ahead and used Wilde Rose by Faun - https://youtu.be/WEN_t1zDnUc
> 
> Obviously, Reiner would have a male voice, but same tune and such. The lyrics were what caught my eye, but that's the case with most folk songs I listen to haha. 
> 
> And, finally, hey! Big moment here. Or, side-ish moment that will lead to a much bigger moment later down the line. If Reiner can't make a decision himself, then Reiner's going to have to do it for him. What a conundrum. 
> 
> Apologies for the late update, I've started on another fic that I'll be writing at the same time as this one. We'll see how that turns out! If I can't balance both, then I'll have to switch updates to once every two weeks. (Hopefully on Saturday/Sunday).


	8. Goodbye Fun, Hello Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh! 100 kudos! I definitely wasn't expecting to get here, but I appreciate and love all of you guys so much <3 You make writing worth it. I really doubt I'd have gotten this far without your support!!

Mikasa awoke that evening, her head pulsing. She couldn’t move at first, but after a few moments, when she fully took in the night sky above her, she managed to grip at the ground below. It took a few tries, but she pulled herself into a sitting position, staring at the flat fields around her. There were multitudes of tents set up, but none too close, and the distant sound of talking could be heard from either side of the group - lookouts. A lot more than previous nights by the sound of it. 

She stumbled slightly as she got to her feet, but a voice made her stop in her tracks. “Sit down. You’re in no condition to be walking about.” 

Mikasa turned to spot Ness, his eyes dark. She had a feeling she was supposed to be angry at him for something, but she couldn’t quite remember. Her head hurt, that was clear, and she felt a bit of dried blood crusted on her temple, but-

“Do you remember anything?”

“A river. We were supposed to cross…” She looked around herself again, seeing Dieter and Sofia curled up in the same tent. “Where’s Rein-”

She stopped, a soft ‘oh’ on her lips, turning back toward Ness. The team leader could immediately sense the change, the way she tensed, the way she stared at him with a vicious rage. Mikasa didn’t speak - she advanced, and Ness was unable to tamp down on the fear spreading through his chest.

Someone’s hand stopped her, and she turned on the figure, aiming to push them out of the way. She had unfinished business with Ness, and she really didn’t want to deal with any interruptions. But, when Captain Levi’s cold gaze met her own, she hesitated. 

“Sit down.” Levi was smaller than her, but his commanding voice made up for it. 

“But-” 

“I’ll report your ass to Commander Erwin for insubordination. Sit the fuck down.” 

She reluctantly complied, her body stiff. 

“You’re being selfish.” He grabbed her chin and forced Mikasa to look at him. “Do you know how many died today? Do you realize how many we lost?” 

When she didn’t answer, he continued. “Fifteen. Fifteen good soldiers. Darius, you remember him? Dead. Nifa? Dead. Are you beginning to understand why nobody joins the Survey Corps? Are you beginning to see why you can’t act like a child the second something goes wrong for you?” 

She grit her teeth together, shutting her eyes, wishing she could drown out his voice, wishing she could drown out her _own_ words. ‘It’s the truth. You can’t protect everyone… it’s time to complete the mission.’ This was different, wasn’t it? It was _Reiner._ And with that realization, she knew that he’d become important to her, more than she ever thought he’d be. Just like Armin. Just like Eren. When had that changed? When had she decided that he was someone she wanted to protect?

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” Levi wasn’t finished, and she fought to stare into his hardened glare. “You won’t threaten one of your fellow soldiers again. Understand? Especially not your superior. All of us have gone through shit. This is tearing Dita up, but he’s mature enough to have realized what needed to be done. He saved your ass.”

Levi forced her face to the right so she could get a good look at Ness. He was right. She hadn’t noticed it before, rage clouding her vision, but Ness was clearly in pieces. He was the one who had to leave Reiner behind, he was the one who had to make that decision. 

“Do you understand?” 

She stayed silent. 

“Do. You. Understand.” 

“Yes.” She finally spoke, her voice wavering, “Yes! It’s just he- he’s-”

Levi released his grip on her chin, pausing, before moving his hand to the back of her head so that he could pull her down to his shoulder. She stayed there, a few moments, before subconsciously gripping at his vest. “If I had just-”

“You can’t think like that. The Survey Corps doesn’t have room for regrets.” He removed her hand and stepped away, leaving Mikasa standing alone. “Raise your head.” She did. “Move on.” 

Mikasa watched as he walked away, distantly thinking she heard something about having to wash his vest now, and found herself feeling conflicted. There was a part of her that knew Levi was correct. There was also a part of her that wanted to say ‘screw all’ to the Survey Corps and go find Reiner - even though she knew he was dead. She knew it, but she didn’t want to believe it. 

Why the hell had he done that for her? 

He was always the self-sacrificial type, she knew that. He would always try and take the blame when the 104th got in trouble. Sasha had stolen meat from the cellar, and just when Shadis was about to turn on her, Reiner jumped in to claim he was the one who had done it. Jean and Eren had gotten into one of their fights, and before it could get any worse, Reiner had moved in between the two - putting a stop to it, but not without a few jabs to his own face. That was just who he was, and it resulted in… 

She didn’t want to think about it. Instead, she turned to Dita Ness, who was staring into the fire. Hesitantly, she walked over to his side, and once there, she sat down. Silence hung over them like a wool blanket, the only interruption being the occasional sounds of transferred reports from the lookouts to command. Both broke it at the same time, speaking in unison, “I’m sorry.” 

She touched the edges of her scarf, running them through her fingers, continuing before Ness could. “I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t mean to threaten you.” 

“You were thinking the way anyone would after seeing something like that,” Ness dismissed her apology, but shared his instead, “I should’ve been there with you, this morning - I should’ve been there.”

“Nobody could’ve known.” She thought back to the events preceding Reiner’s death. “Captain Levi said it, right? No room for regrets.” She wasn’t taking it to heart though, her own mind looking at every little detail that pointed to her being at fault. 

She looked toward the tent hosting Dieter and Sofia. They had always been close, like siblings, but they had never clung to each other like they were doing right then. She was certain they were having fitful dreams, ones filled to the brim with titans and gore and death. “How are they doing?”

“Not well. After we lost the horde they both collapsed. They’ve been like that ever since.”

“That’s their first time seeing someone being… It’s only just become real for them, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

The fire crackled, sending red and gold sparks flying into the air. She watched as they joined the stars in the inky blackness of the night, and for some reason, she thought back to the first time she opened up to him, to Reiner. Protecting. It was the same for both of them. And yet he had beaten her at it. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” That was Hange’s voice, and Mikasa twisted her head to peer at the quickly approaching scientist. “But I need to ask you a few questions.” 

Mikasa frowned. That was the opposite of what she wanted to be doing right then. But, Levi’s face appeared in her mind’s eye, and as she didn’t want to get lectured again, she turned and nodded. “Alright.” 

“We’ve seen titans crossing bodies of water before, but every time, it’s been shallow. This river wasn’t, and your group was clearly caught off guard,” She tapped a pencil to her paper, “What happened? Can you explain it to me?”

“Hey, is now really-?” Ness began, but Mikasa briefly touched his arm. _It’s okay._

“I’m sorry about this Mikasa, but we need to get our hands on any possible information that could lead to the defeat of these bastards. It’s why we were so woefully unprepared in the first place.” She started scribbling a few things on the edge of the paper, “Whatever you share could save lives later down the line. So, please, what do you remember?”

Mikasa began from the start, and once she had finished recounting, Hange nodded firmly. “We already know that titans don’t need to breathe, but to find that they can stay underwater for prolonged periods of time… It must have wandered into the river and fallen inactive after the sun set.”

She watched as Hange continued to mumble a few things to herself. But, before she left, the scientist pulled Mikasa into a brief hug, “It’ll get easier, I promise.”

Ness watched her retreat, and then, speaking more to himself then Mikasa, he looked back at the flames. “She doesn’t show it, does she?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nifa was in her squad.”

\--------

Mike and Nanaba were both silent as Mikasa approached Commander Erwin. They shared a look between themselves - _she didn’t want their pity_ \- but didn’t do anything more, which she supposed she should be grateful for. No sniffing. No side comments. Nothing. 

She doubted anyone had expected a new recruit to die so early in the expedition. 

Squad Levi was there too, waiting for further orders. And although she didn’t bother looking up to see their faces, she could feel the heaviness in the air around them. Everyone was suffering. Many had been lost. And now, they had to move forward. 

“Our guide is dead.” Erwin put it simply, pointing at the drawing of a mountain pass which would lead to Reiner’s village. “We need to figure out the best way through. If we can set up a base here,” He made a circle around a few dotted buildings, “then future trips to Wall Maria will be a lot safer.” He looked up to Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hange. “We need those supply lines.” 

Mikasa was bothered at the way Erwin had so casually dismissed Reiner - he didn’t even say his _name_ \- but, with one look at Levi, she knew it wouldn’t be in her best interest to cause a scene. 

“Now, Ackerman,” He turned toward her, “What do you remember about Braun’s village? What had he shared with you?” 

She knew that this was what she had been called on for, but when she heard the actual words, she blanked. What had he told her? What had he told any of the 104th? Nothing. He hadn’t said anything besides its general location. She felt like he had constantly talked about going home, and she was certain that Bertholdt had also hailed from there, but neither of them had opened up about it. She vaguely remembered Eren saying something, and she knew Armin and Bert were good friends, but she hadn’t paid attention to any of it. It wasn’t a concern at that time. _Eren_ was her concern. 

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t believe he talked about it.” 

“Never?” 

“No sir.” 

Erwin pressed his fingers into the map, gripping at it, before releasing the tension. “We’ll have to go in blind. This pass should be wide enough for all our supplies to make it through, but we’ll have to have two squads above on either side, should we run into trouble, they can clear the way.” He looked toward Squad Levi. “Once we reach the base I want your team to take the left side. Mike, your squad will go right. The rest of us will travel through the middle. We’ll be relying on you.” 

Mike and Levi saluted Erwin, acknowledging his commands. 

Erwin then turned to Mikasa. “He died for humanity, and humanity thanks him.”

_He died for me._

She didn’t say those words and instead nodded, the commander’s sentiments sounding like well-rehearsed lies. 

Turning to grab Gabi’s reins, she spotted the tearful gaze of Petra and the darkened stare of Oluo. Petra was the only one to meet her eyes, and when she did, Mikasa gave her a solemn smile. She’d be alright. She may have just lost her only connection to the 104th, but she’d be alright. It was time to complete the mission, return to Eren and Armin, and tell them- Kami, she didn’t want to think about that. 

By the time she returned to Ness, the sun had risen past the horizon. Only a few more minutes until Erwin would shoot a smoke signal. And then, once he had, she’d go solo. 

She was used to being alone, but this time she felt empty as the green smoke climbed high.

\--------

When they stopped for the night, Mikasa found herself looking into the eyes of two lost children. She hadn’t spoken with them, not after the incident at the river, and she found herself struggling to think of what to say. After all, Reiner was the one who had interacted with them the most, the one who had actually taken them in and helped them learn the ins-and-outs of scout work - what was she in comparison? 

But as she descended from Gabi and walked over to sit next to the spitting fire, Dieter and Sofia made the first move. 

First was Sofia, pulling her hand away from Dieter’s, getting up to her feet. She hesitated for a moment, digging her heels into the earth, before finally relenting. “Can I… Can I sit here with you?” Dieter took a few seconds to realize Sofia had left his side, and when he had, he followed after her, looking at Mikasa with a teary gaze. 

She didn’t speak and only moved to the side to give them a bit more room. It did nothing, though, as Sofia leaned against her left shoulder, and Dieter her right. Overtime, physical contact had become the main form of communication between the four recruits - Mikasa already spoke without words, and Reiner was always hugging his companions and pulling them close, Sofia and Dieter had just fallen into line - and now it was the most comfortable thing for them to do. Even Mikasa, who was normally against prolonged touch, relaxed. It reminded her of one of their first nights out in titan territory; but instead of Reiner, they had a fire. She wished it was the other way around. 

She ran her hands over her scarf again, briefly considering Eren. What would she have done if it was him? Would she have fought harder? Would she have killed herself in the process just to get to him? 

Eventually, Sofia’s head slipped and fell into Mikasa’s lap. But she didn’t get back up, she stayed there, as if she wasn’t registering that she had moved at all. Mikasa awkwardly raised her hands, but seeing as the girl was trembling - she didn’t know if it was from the cold or memories - she lowered her arms and hesitantly began running her fingers through Sofia’s hair. 

After a few minutes, Sofia stopped shivering. Mikasa didn’t stop her ministrations, however, and instead turned her attention to the dancing shadows of the open flame. To her side, Dieter was completely still, up until his throat bobbed and tears began to pour down his face. He was sobbing. And he couldn’t stop, even as he tried to wipe it away with his rough uniform sleeve. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” She murmured, partly to the two beside her, partly to herself, and most of all, to Reiner. If only he was Eren, if he was Eren, then maybe she could’ve- 

The three of them fell asleep there, and Ness looked on, wishing the world wasn’t so cruel to allow children to suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A side note: I'm currently in the process of moving, and I've gotta get caught up on homework/college searching/scholarships, so updates across all my fics are going to be pretty slow. Sorry about that!


End file.
